


Best Worst Mistake

by Krissy, YourDearOldFriend



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Drama, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Canon, Romance, Shower Sex, Smut, feelings are happening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 06:35:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17177771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krissy/pseuds/Krissy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/YourDearOldFriend/pseuds/YourDearOldFriend
Summary: “I don’t... want anything. I’m a computer.”“Who are you telling this? ‘Cause this–“ I gesture between us, sitting on my bed, still holding hands. “- looks pretty fucking different.”The Squip shakes his head, but doesn’t let go of me. And I guess if Michael really cared he would have called me already. I take his silence as a yes. And kiss him again.OR Jeremy cheats on Michael and why the Squip doesn't stop him.





	1. Chapter 1

I slam the door shut behind me, kicking my shoes off and throw myself on the bed with a groan. My heart’s pounding angrily, I bury my face in my pillow, resisting the urge to scream. I don’t feel like crying, I just want to be alone and punch something. I roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling, clenching my jaw. He’s such an asshole.

This day started like crap anyway. First my dad called me to inform me that my mum was coming over in a couple of days, actually coming over from Ohio to see me before college starts. As if she suddenly cares. She probably only wants to check if my dad still has problems taking care of me and make fun of him. I hope her fucking new boyfriend doesn’t tag along. And then this thing with Michael.

You see, after high school we planned to go to the same college together. It’s always been us, same school, same classes, same fucking  _everything_ , and we wanted to share a flat or dorm room since freshman year. Things are gonna be better in college he always used to say, yeah, but how were we supposed to when we wouldn’t be even going to the same school? When he rather decided to go to a completely different one instead because apparently he suddenly realized his parent’s wish was more important than almost fourteen years of friendship.

He didn’t even discuss it with me. He just told me they had sent in their forms and just like that we’d probably end up in two different colleges. He’d be in a glorious, probably pretty amazing one in New York while I rot away in New Jersey, when the only thing I ever wanted is to get out of here, _with him_. How is that even supposed to work? How are we going to see each other? I don’t even know if I can do long distance.

And Michael just said it’s going to be fine, that he’s sorry, but _that’s what my moms want._  Sure. And what about me? I’d like to think that a decade of friendship and one year and ten months of dating had a say in that matter as well. Turns out they didn’t.

We had never fought often, we always agreed on everything, it’s probably unusual for so many years. But this, this is so new and I hate it. I know it sound fucking selfish but I don’t want him to go to a different college. Especially not one so far away and I probably wouldn’t be seeing him except for maybe on the weekend or through some crappy pixelated FaceTime call. That’s not what I want. And I don’t get how he can just be okay with it. I guess I’m not that important after all.

I sit up, clutching my pillow to my chest. Fine. Reactivate.

_“You seem enraged, Jeremy.”_

Yeah, that’s putting it mildly. I scoff, glancing up at my Squip standing next to the window, arms crossed in front of his chest, eyeing me with a thoughtful look. I suppose you’ve already reviewed all the shit that happened? I shut him off for a while, because I really couldn’t deal with my boyfriend, my dad and the Squip at the same time.

_“You fought with Michael. Again. He’ll be going to a different college? That’s new information.”_

It is indeed. I clench my teeth, grimly staring at the ground. He didn’t tell me, I think out to him, I don’t want to make my dad think I’m talking to myself. I don’t think I can play it off as my laptop or music again. He just decided without asking me. He could’ve just let me know!

_“I suppose he didn’t want to disappoint you.”_

No shit. Still. That was a straight up asshole move. ‘Cause now I’m even more disappointed. Even though that’s probably not the right word. I fucking hate him.

_“You don’t hate him, Jeremy.”_ The Squip sounds amused. _“He’s your boyfriend. It’s perfectly normal to argue in a relationship.”_

Yeah, maybe. We never argued back when we were just friends. It all started when we got together. And a relationship is about trust, isn’t it? Then why didn’t he tell me about his decision?

_“He obviously was scared of your reaction. Which is justified.”_

Shut up. I let out a frustrated sigh and bury my face in my hands. And? He really thought I would– what, break up with him? Instead of telling me earlier and us together figuring out a way, he just... Whatever. I should stop thinking about it, it only makes me madder. I suppose that argument had been inevitable anyway, it’s been weird between us since at least two weeks. I don’t even know why. And I don’t want to think about it. Or Michael in general.

Maybe we shouldn’t ever have become more than friends.

_“I’m sure things will work out fine for you, Jeremy.”_ The Squip’s voice is closer, I open my eyes to see him standing directly in front of me, looking calm as ever. It’s irritating right now.

_“If you want me to I can assist you the next time you talk to Michael. We can try and–“_

No. I don’t wanna see him. Not yet anyway. Not today and not tomorrow.

The Squip shuts his mouth, eyes wandering over my face, I look back at him reluctantly. I know, I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it. Act like the almost-adult I am. But I don’t want to. I have a right to be angry, don’t I?

_“Of course. But knowing Michael, he is already worrying about you and blaming himself for everything.”_

“Good.” I cross my arms, nodding grimly. It’s his fault after all. He deserves to feel sorry.

_“Don’t be so harsh on him, Jeremy.”_

I roll my eyes, raising my brows at him. Since when are you _Team Michael?_

He sits down next to me, crossing his legs. It’s weird seeing him being so casual. Just sitting here with me. Like he’s real. I’ve still not gotten completely used to that. Maybe because he didn’t use to be like that. At all. I don’t know when it changed but at some point after he reactivated, he stopped with the shocks and hurtful comments and started to become... my friend? Is that weird? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

_“I’m always on Team Jeremy.”_ He gives me a warm smile. I just stare at him and the way he sits there, leaning toward me a bit as he speaks, with this unfamiliar sparkle in his eyes. He looks human. Really fucking human. It’s irritating and I don’t know what the hell to think about it.

“Thanks”, I mumble because I don’t know what else to say and he leans over, softly nudging my arm with his elbow.

_“You should text him. Apologize. Michael won’t be mad anymore.”_

Yes, but I am! I don’t wanna apologize, he has to! This stupid fight isn’t my fault. He should have just told me the truth. I cross my arms demonstratively, stubbornly shaking my head.

_“He’s most likely waiting for you to call him. You want to make up to him, don’t you?”_

I give him a look, shrugging my shoulders. Sure. I have to. He’s my boyfriend after all. But only after he apologizes. It’s not gonna be me again. It’s always me, even when he does something wrong. We argue like, _all the time now_ , I’m tired of it.

_“You should tell him that.”_ He nudges my leg with his. _“Tell him you don’t want to go on like this anymore.”_

That sounds like I want to break up with him. Which I don’t. Obviously not. I bite my lip, looking up at him. I feel like he came even closer. He’s frowning, putting his hand on my shoulder.

_“I sense a feeling of uncertainty, Jeremy. Are you sure?”_

I avert my eyes, wanting to shake off his hand but for some reason I don’t. It’s calming, somewhat. And I don’t know. I don’t wanna just give him up, because of this stupid argument, ‘cause that would mean loosing my best (and only) friend as well. And I still love him. Don’t I?

With a groan of frustration I shuffle closer to the Squip, letting my head drop onto his shoulder. I have no fucking idea what to even feel anymore. We’ve been together for almost two years and sure, it had been amazing, for the most part, but when I think of him now, I just get so mad...

_“You’re hurt because he didn’t tell you sooner. You think you’re not as important to him.”_ I feel his hand softly stroking over my back, in a probably meant to be calming way. I suppose that is what this nerve manipulating to think he’s actually touching me-thing is for.

I guess. Thanks for breaking down my confusing-as-fuck thoughts. I’m hurt. And I have every right to be, don’t I? _I_ never keep things like that from him. I wouldn’t actually have been mad at him if he just would have told me, asked me about it, whatever. But now I am. And it’s gonna be like that until he apologizes.

The Squip makes a noise that sounds like a chuckle. Maybe it is. His hand moves to my neck, stroking through my hair and squeezing my shoulders in a weird, one handed, digital massage. But it’s kinda cool, I can practically feel my muscles relaxing. I wonder if he just does that to convince me to talk to Michael again.

_“You’re so stubborn.”_

That’s what you love about me, isn’t it? I’m making your life a real challenge. I sigh, trying to ignore the hot anger at Michael burning in my stomach. I don’t even feel like crying anymore. I wonder if he is. I can’t say I hope so but I hope he feels as bad about this as I do. I’m a horrible person, I know. Sorry for being stuck in me.

He doesn’t say anything, but takes his other hand to massage my shoulders, shifting a bit behind me. Then: _“Don’t be sorry.”_

I close my eyes, leaning into his warm touch, smiling softly. Why didn’t we do this before?

_“You never asked.”_

No, of course not... I didn’t think of that. And I didn’t think you would say yes.

_“I thought you could use it right now.”_

He hits a particular sore nerve, I bite down on my lip to keep a groan in. Yeah, I do. It feels awesome.

_“I’m glad.”_

There’s a smile in his voice, I like when he is like that. I prefer it to every other version of him. When I remember how he had been at the beginning, composed and strict, not even letting me masturbate. He had changed a lot and I’m really glad about it. He had gotten more understanding and friendly and softer in general, so that’s great. At least something in my life is. I know how much of a handful I can be, so it’s a miracle he even stayed around for so long. Guess you warmed up to me, huh?

_“Guess I did.“_ His hands rest on my shoulders for a moment, then slide down to my collarbones. I smile. It feels way too good for not being real. His hands are warm and soft, or at least, I think they are.

_“It was surprisingly easy.”_

Was it? You’re not wishing you could just deactivate sometimes? I lean back a bit, against his chest and his hands slide down my chest, resting on my stomach.

_“Never.”_

It’s a strange feeling. He never hugged me before. Is this a hug? I’m not hugging him back. But this is way too comfortable to move away from.

My head sinks back against his shoulder, I sigh, my lips curling into a light smile. This is actually nice. It’s helping me forget Michael for a moment.

_“You deserve someone who makes you feel happy and not this miserable.”_ His voice is close to my ear, I can feel his non-existent breath hitting my skin. It sends a warm shiver down my spine. 

Damn right, I do.

_“You’re amazing, Jeremy.”_

What’s going on with you now? I grin, grabbing one of his hands that still rests on my stomach, turning my head to look up at him. You’re getting all affectionate now. Why?

He doesn’t meet my eyes, instead keeps glancing down at the bed sheets, his hand carefully squeezing mine.

_“I’m not. I’m just stating facts.”_

I turn around a bit more, leaning forward to meet his eyes. It’s unusual not seeing them gaze back into mine with this familiar look of determination and formality. It’s like... there’s something wrong.

“Are you okay?”, I ask hesitantly, looking down at him, as if I could actually spot a bug or something.

_“Why wouldn’t I be, Jeremy?”_

I shrug, having completely turned around so that I’m practically sitting in his lap. Except that I’m not. Not really.

“You’re... different.”

He frowns and tilts his head, eyes fixed on our intwined hands. _“Different?”_

I nod, stopping halfway through. The way he’s so close to me... I feel kind of dizzy and it’s not because of the nerve thing this time. The Squip shakes his head and his eyes wander up into my face and for some reason it makes my heart skip a beat.

_“All of my systems are working fine.”_

Are they? So maybe that’s just how he is now. He can’t lie, can he? I don’t know. I slowly nod, carefully stroking over his fingers. I kind of don’t wanna let go. It’s nice, just being here, having someone to comfort me.

The Squip just looks at me, tender smile on his lips, out of the corner of my eye I see him raising his free hand, feel him softly stroking a strand of hair behind my ear.

I can only stare at him.

_“Your heartbeat is accelerating.”_

Is it? Probably because you’ve never touched me like that before. I didn’t even know you could be this... well, like this. Don’t get me wrong. I like it.

_“I know”,_ he just says, one hand hovering over my chest, where my heart is. I feel like the temperature in the room had suddenly increased and chuckle to overplay my sudden nervousness. Of course. You know it all. It’s like I’m drawn to him... I wanna get closer to him but at the same time I don’t. Like there’s something keeping me back.

I mean, I know what that something is. Michael. He certainly wouldn’t like me snuggling with my Squip. But then again, maybe he doesn’t even fucking care. He didn’t care enough to tell me about the college thing after all. And he hasn’t called me since then, my phone is still lying next to the pillow, screen black.

You care about me, right? I mean, as much as it’s possible for a computer.

_“I’m not capable of caring, Jeremy. You know that...”_

But he puts his hand to the side of my face, gently stroking his thumb over my cheek. It doesn’t feel like that though. Why else would you be doing this, huh?

Instead of answering, his eyes flicker down to my lips and my heart does a giant leap. He isn’t going to– Is he?

_“Going to what?”_

You know what. I lean closer. What people do. Who like each other.

_“I don’t...”_ But he trails off, eyes widening slightly. Don’t what?

He opens his mouth to say something but closes it again. I shift closer, putting my hand to his cheek just like he did earlier. Our eyes lock again and in a rush of sudden adrenaline I pull him closer, pressing my lips on his.

I didn’t think it would work. But it does and his lips feel soft and smooth and he takes a second but kisses me back. Slowly and gently, I suppose he never kissed someone before. Or he really has a bug.

Then his hand presses against my chest, softly pushing me back. I keep my eyes close, driving my tongue over my lips, still tasting him. It’s so weird, but it felt so fucking real.

_“No”_ , he just says like I’m a disobedient dog. I crack a smile, gazing up at him. That bad? He’s staring at me like he can see all the negative consequences this is going to have in my eyes. Well, maybe he can. What can’t he do? I just kissed him.

_“No. But we can’t. You can’t.”_

I roll my eyes, about to tell him that if Michael really cared he would have called me already, when I notice his hand softly clenching my shirt between his fingers, pulling me closer the slightest bit.

“But... you... want to?”

_“I don’t... want anything. I’m a computer.”_

“Who are you telling this? ‘Cause this–“ I gesture between us, “looks pretty fucking different...”

He lightly shakes his head, but doesn’t let go of me. There’s something wrong... or maybe it’s just some weird new feature. I kinda wanna figure out. I take his silence as a yes.

I lean in again, brushing my lips against his to see his reaction. He closes his eyes, returning the kiss and he looks so fucking human it’s creepy. And good. Would be weird if he looked like a computer.

He parts our lips again, gently cupping my face in his hands. _“Jeremy, as much as I find this... as pleasurable as possible for a computer... This is a bad idea.”_

“And it’s gonna get even worse...” I grin at him, grabbing his collar, pulling him closer. He tilts his head and studies my face for about a second before pressing his lips to mine. With much more force than before. So much for not wanting anything.

I wrap my arms around his neck, shifting closer, so close my chest almost touches his, my legs wrap loosely around his waist. I didn’t think this was possible. I mean, I thought about it of course, because my brain is just sick like that, but I never really considered it. But it’s too late now. If Michael doesn’t care, nor do I.

His hands run through my hair, smoothing them out of my face, softly pulling, so that’s how he likes it then...

If he could like stuff. Which he obviously can, he can’t fool me. Computer my ass. Is this in your program too, I don’t think so.

_Of course it’s not. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. Or I don’t want to do it._

Just say you can’t resist me. I grin against his lips, feeling him smirk.

_I can’t resist you, Jeremy._

I knew it. I lean back, his eyes meet mine, there’s a sparkle I’ve never seen before. Okay. He really does want this. And I do too. Very much.

I bite my lip, reaching down in between us to zip open my pants. I never thought I’d end up making out with my Squip, especially not with all the shit that happened two years ago but here we are.

He wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer, whispering in my ear: _“You can still back out.”_

I don’t want to. Why would I want to? I reach for his pants, pulling down the zipper. I don’t know what I expected but I’m met with an already pretty hard bulge in white underwear. I swallow. Okay. Wow.

My blood’s shooting south at the sight, I squirm a bit closer, circuitously wriggling out of my jeans. He watches me, positioning his hands on my waist, drawing gentle circles on my skin under my shirt. His hands feel warm and my pants are starting to feel achingly tight.

_“You are so easy to arouse, that has always been an annoying little problem between us.“_

I shrug my shoulders, grinning at him. Isn’t so much now, huh? I reach down, biting my lip, when he grabs my wrist, holding me there.

_“Not so much, no.”_ He smiles softly at me before connecting our lips in a tender kiss. He’s so different to Michael. A good different. A refreshing different.

_“Jeremy...”_  he starts and his hand reaches between my legs and I have to press my hand over my mouth to not let out a loud moan. I don’t know if my dad’s home already and I really don’t wanna explain this to him.

_“You have to be aware that having sex with me will result in your brain emitting quite a lot of androstenone which means Michael could notice you–“_

“Shut up”, I whisper against his lips and he actually does. I give him a grin, feeling excited. This is so new and amazing and I can’t fucking wait.

“Can you stop with the technical stuff, I just want you to–“

_“To?”_ , he smirks and shifts closer, fully pulling me onto his lap, I can practically feel his (nonexistent) errection rubbing against mine. I roll my eyes, pressing my lips to his but only briefly.

“You know what...”

_“But I want to hear you say it.”_

Ugh, why is that turning me on? He certainly did that on purpose. Oh no, he probably remembers all the porn I used to watch. I quickly push these thoughts aside, this isn’t porn, this is so much better. So I respond accordingly.

“To fuck me.”

His lips curl into a smirk, he’s probably surprised I managed to say that so (in my eyes) confidently. I’m a little surprised myself. But apparently I’m in that mood now. This day is full of surprises.

_“Very well.”_ He says that so formally. Those thoughts quickly retreat in the background when he lowers his hand again and with my next blink his pants are gone. I blush at the sight, noticing him grin.

_“Like what you see?”_

Very much. And I think I’m about to like it even more. I strip out of my pants, throwing them aside where they wouldn’t be in the way.

I pull him closer, kissing him, his tongue slips in between my lips and I sigh softly, moving my hips against his. It sends a thrill through my body I haven’t felt in a long time. I can’t even recall the last time I made out with Michael. It was too long ago. And this right now feels really fucking great, so how wrong can it be really? If there were any bad outcomes I’m sure the Squip would have stopped me already. Or he just doesn’t give a fuck. Like me, right now.

The kiss gets sloppier and he starts touching me, I willingly let him, gently lowering my teeth onto his bottom lip, pulling slightly. I’ve always wanted to do that.

_You thought about this?_

Huh? Maybe? Michael’s way different.

_Michael isn’t in your head. Of course it’s different._

I know. But he’s much more... I don’t know, with him it’s just... normal. Nothing special.

_Then I suggest you stop thinking about him now._

Gladly. I feel him shift a bit underneath me, his touches getting faster, _holy shit_ , his breath hotly hits my cheek.

_“Normally you would need to be prepared for this but thanks to all this being in your head we can skip that part.”_

Right. Fantastic. He lets go of me and I bite my lip, automatically aligning myself with him, feeling a spark of pleasure shoot through my body when his tip already touches my entrance. Fuck, this is gonna be awesome. It’s kinda unfair, he just makes me feel all this, of course it’s not gonna be bad... But I’m not complaining.

He lowers his lips onto my neck, softly sucking and licking at the skin there as he pushes in and I wriggle a bit closer to feel it and first it hurts a bit but then _oh my God_... We’re not even moving and yet it already feels like I can’t hold it in for much longer.

He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t even ask if it’s okay like Michael did, because he _knows_ it is. It’s much better than okay. Hear that? You’re amazing.

I let out a quiet yelp when he bounces me up a bit and hold onto him and then he touches a particular intense spot and my breath gets stuck in my throat. Oh my God. Do that again.

And he does and my head just rolls back and my fingers clench into his shirt. Yes. He knows exactly what he’s doing and what _I’m_ doing and every movement I do gets the most intense reaction out of me and it’s so fucking _good_. Not that I expected anything else.

I speed up my motion a little bit and his mouth finds my lips again, capturing them in a messy kiss and his hands continue to stroke me and my mind feels blissfully like heaven. My breath is going fast and my heart is hammering and he doesn’t have a name so I just breathe out a  _Yes_... and _Ah_...and _Oh God_... and he responds with _Jeremy_... and I’ve never heard him say my name so beautifully.

It’s probably that that tips me over the edge, his voice and the way every thrust feels so damn right and _electrifying_ and we just fit so perfectly together. So I cling onto him and he holds me and just like that it’s over.

My head feels dizzy and my body strangely tired. I try to calm down my breath, relaxing into his warm embrace, he’s gently running his hand up and down my back. Wow... I feel like I can’t think anymore.

The Squip chuckles softly, moving back and pulling me back with him into the pillow, without letting go of me, without pulling out, without _anything_ and I just settle against his chest, my eyes falling shut. That was... amazing. I cant remember when I felt like this the last time. I don’t even know what to say. So I just mumble a “I wanna stay like this forever...”

He softly brushes his fingers through my hair, I can hear him smile. _“That would be very unfortunate...”_

I shrug softly, shifting a bit closer, savoring each last bit of that remaining pleasure that flows through my body.

“I don’t care... no one can see you anyway...”

He makes a contemplative noise, his hand stroking down my side, over my leg that is still wrapped around his waist, the touch sends a shiver through me.

_“But you couldn’t ever wear pants again.”_

I smile tiredly, opening my eyes to look up at him. The look in his is an amused one and he’s smiling so softly, it’s so unusual...

“Well...” I wrap my arm around him, grinning. “I’ll tell them I’m coming after my dad...”

He returns my smile and I chuckle and lean against his chest, closing my eyes. It feels nice. So nice. Way too nice.

We slowly part and he keeps caressing my cheek and fondling my hair, I didn’t know he could be like this... I really didn’t know–

It hits me all at once.

Michael. I just cheated on Michael. On my boyfriend. I fucking cheated on him. Just like that. With the Squip. I just did it. I didn’t even hesitate. I just slept with someone else. Oh my God. I’m such a fucking asshole.

I lean back a bit, swallowing, my stomach fills with guilt, so heavily I scramble up to bring some distance between us. The Squip frowns and sits up and only then I notice he’s already fully dressed again.

I feel like someone dumped a bucket of ice cold water over my head, the lightheadedness from earlier is completely gone. _Shit_. Shit, shit, shit...

_“Jeremy...?”_

I turn to him and meet his eyes, slowly shaking my head.

“That... This is...” I don’t know. I fucked up. I fucking ruined everything.

The Squip leans in a bit, his hand closing around my wrist. _“You should tell Michael.”_

No way. I can’t. I frantically shake my head, trying not to freak out. Okay. Okay, I can do this.

“This... just never happened, okay?” I drive my hand through my hair in distress, pushing it out of my face. “He can’t know. Okay?”

_“Jeremy...”_

“No!” I burst out and stare at him with wide eyes, my heart is pounding in my chest. The Squip just stares back, looking like he wants to say something but decides against it.

“I-I... you are not real.” I shake my head again, my voice is weaker than I’d like it to be. “This doesn’t count. _It doesn’t count.”_

He’s a computer. In my head. This didn’t really happen. I turn away from him, reaching for my phone, my hand is almost shaking. Almost.

I basically just had sex with myself. Yeah. Like masturbation. A bit. It doesn’t count, it doesn’t count at all. It’s not cheating. He doesn’t exist.

And Michael didn’t even call me. He didn’t care what I was doing anyway. Right?

I press the button on my phone and am met with the blinking image of my empty battery. Oh. I guess that explains. Fuck. I hurriedly grab my charger, slamming it into the socket. Still. I‘ll just lie to him. I’m a good liar, most of the time. I mean, my dad still doesn’t know I have a supercomputer in my brain.

Hey... He won’t notice, will he? Can you tell me what to do? I reach behind myself, but grasp only my empty pillow. I whip around. He’s gone. Just great.

I flop back into the pillow, trying to ignore the guilt gnawing in my stomach. So are you sulking now, or what? Because I said it doesn’t count. He doesn’t respond. Asshole. You can’t just piss off like that...

I reach for my underwear, putting it back on, getting dressed again. No big deal. This wasn’t even real. I’m calm, it’s _fine_.

It doesn’t feel like nothing though. It felt good. I still feel good. Beneath all the guilt, I feel so warm and fuzzy inside, it’s crazy...

But it makes sense after all. He simply manipulated my brain. Of course it was nice, he wouldn’t let it be _not_ nice. Because he just was like that, always showing off, always perfect.

I close my eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths when my phone vibrates, apparently having enough battery to do that again.

I reach for it, the queasy feeling in my stomach only increasing. I look at the screen. Seven messages from Michael. Two missed calls. Awesome. I’m doomed.

I swipe at the screen, nervously chewing on my lip.

_I’m sorry, Jeremy_ , he wrote. I don’t feel good. At all.

_Really. That was a complete dick move. Pls call me._

And then two minutes later:

_I get it, ur mad, please let’s just talk about it...._

_I’m sorryyyyyyyyyyy_

Missed call at 7:56 PM. Then:

_Please call me!!!_

_Are u okay?_

And another missed call. It’s the next message that makes my heart drop though.

_I’m coming over ok?_

What? So he’s actually on his way now? When was that–? Ten minutes ago. Shit. What am I gonna do? I’m not ready. Like, at all.

In that exact second the door bell rings. I feel a little sick. I’m just not gonna open. Pretend I’m still mad at him and don’t want to talk to him. Maybe I can face him tomorrow, tell myself this was all just a stupid dream. But he’s probably gonna wait in front of the door until someone opens and my dad will be home at nine or something and he’ll let him in anyway...

I have no choice. And I don’t want him to get suspicious. I take a deep breath, slowly getting up, regarding my bed. Shit. I quickly grab my blanket and stuff it in the dirty clothes basket, I’d take care of that later. Then I rush into the bathroom (Michael rings again), looking at my reflection in the mirror.

It’s not as bad as I thought. My face is still slightly flushed and there’s a somewhat panicked look in my eyes but I don’t think he’d realize what I was doing just now. I hope so. What did the Squip say earlier again...?

I splash some water in my face, fixing my hair and my shirt, before pulling myself together, making my way down the stairs. Halfway there I stop, trying to calm down. He can’t notice. He can’t know I fucking slept with the Squip. Or I thought I did. It wasn’t real. There technically isn’t anything to worry about.

Then again, I’m lying to myself. I lean against the banister, reaching up to touch my lips. It felt so real. So, so real. Fuck...

The bell rings again and I jump slightly, staring at the door. I have to open it. Now.

Cautiously I walk down the last steps, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I put my hand on the door handle. Fuck it.

I close my eyes for a brief second before pressing down. Locked. Fucking hell. I fumble with the key and turn it, opening the door for real this time.

And there‘s Michael, hands buried in the pockets of his coat, jumping from one foot to the other to get warm, it had started to snow again. His eyes light up as I open, he tries a careful smile.

“Hey...”

I just stare, my mouth feels dry. I can’t do this. But I’ve got to. Because I really can’t lose him.

“Hey.”

“Can I come in?” He asks carefully, I nod slowly, holding open the door. I can’t even say no. I can’t tell him. And I don’t have to, there’s nothing to even tell him, because absolutely nothing happened.

“You didn’t answer...” He waves his phone at me, I just shrug, my heart feels so heavy...

“No battery.”

“Oh.” He steps in, brushing off the snow on his shoes on the little mat at the door. I nervously glance down at myself as if there’s something he could spot that gives me away. There isn’t obviously, I shouldn’t be worrying about it.

“Are you alone?” Michael asks and my heart skips a beat before I remember he probably doesn’t mean the Squip.

“Y-Yeah. Dad’s still at work.”

Michael nods, slowly zipping open his jacket, I can feel him eyeing me cautiously. I cross my arms in front of my chest, avoiding his eyes.

I don’t even know if I’m still mad at him. I mean, it’s still pretty shitty that he didn’t tell me earlier, but how can I be mad at him after...?

“Let’s go upstairs.” I lead the way and hear Michael follow me, promptly regret having said that. We could have just stayed downstairs, on the perfectly unspoiled couch. Too late now. I’m not going back down the stairs again.

Michael doesn’t say anything on the way to my room, nor do I, I’m dreading the moment he’ll start apologizing. Because the one who should really be apologizing is me.

I sit down on my bed, trying to ignore what just happened on it, Michael takes a seat next to me with more distance than normally. I feel somewhat glad about it, I think.

He sighs, shaking his head, looking at me apologetically.

“I’m sorry... I know you’re pissed at me and you have every right to be.”

I feel worse with every word. This is just something I never thought I would have to go through. How could I do that?

“I just... I was so scared to tell you? You know, because we always talked about going to college together...

And Michael just has no idea. Of course not, nothing _really_ happened after all. I turn my head away from him as I feel my eyes sting.

“And... well, I tried talking to my moms about it... because I wanted to go to the same college with you.”

Michael shifts a bit closer, probably interpreting my silence as anger. I really can’t concentrate on colleges now. Why is this bothering me so much? I didn’t really care before or when it happened and now I just wish I could forget it ever happened.

“But uhm... they put aside that money for me and I just... couldn’t say no, you know?”

I don’t say anything. I mean, I get it. He probably didn’t know of that and I know Michael’s parents, they always want the best for their son, _I get it_. But it still hurt. But it shouldn’t have made me do what I did. I love him, don’t I? I feel so awful for having to ask myself that... And even worse for not knowing the answer immediately.

“I’m really, really sorry, Jeremy...” He sounds almost desperate, I realize I still haven’t said anything.

“I... it’s fine.” I turn to him reluctantly, shrugging my shoulders. Michael looks surprised.

“Yeah? R-really?” He lets out an unbelieving chuckle, I just nod. What I did was way worse than any misunderstanding between us. How should things ever go back to how they were before?

“Michael... God, I’m sorry.” I shift closer and before I can stop myself I pull him into the tightest embrace. I wish I could say I regret it but if I think back, if I could rewind an hour, I know I’d do it again.

I shut my eyes burying my face in his shoulder. Fuck... I can’t just keep this to myself forever. How do people do that? I thought I’m good at lying, yeah, maybe I am but I’m definitely not good at keeping secrets.

“It’s okay...”, he mumbles, squeezing me back. “I’m not mad... I get it, it’s my fault...”

No, it’s really not... I bury my face in his shoulder, biting my lip. It’s like the words want to come over my lips, but I can’t get them out. Cause I know if I do he’ll go and break up with me and our friendship would be over.

A tear rolls down my cheek, dripping onto the fabric of his sweater. Just say it and get over with it. It’s better than lying to him. Right? Shit... I can’t do it.

And I can’t start crying because he’ll notice there’s something wrong. I really fucking screwed up.

“It’s okay...” Michael repeats, softly patting my back. “We’re cool...”

I sniff, nodding slowly. Yeah. Totally. Everything’s cool. Except that nothing is.

He lets go of me and smiles, gently cupping my face with his hands. Like _he_ did.

“We’ll manage this somehow.”

I only nod. He leans in a bit and I realize he’s gonna kiss me. No. He’s gonna notice, I’m one hundred percent sure all of a sudden. I mean, how can he kiss me and not notice I kissed someone else?

I turn my head away, clearing my throat, feeling awful. Michael pulls back his hand and buries them in the pockets of his hoodie, looking down. Did he notice something is off? Or does he still blame it on the argument? I hope so.

I try to recall what he had been telling me earlier.

“So you didn't know about the college? The other one?” I say, sounding much calmer than I feel. Michael shakes his head.

“No... it was like, a surprise...”

“A pretty shit surprise”, I attempt a joke and he actually smiles about it, shrugging his shoulders.

“For us, yeah.”

Us. I don’t even know if it’s still us. What would Michael say if he’d find out? I know he doesn’t particularly like me still having the Squip in my head, it took quite some time until he accepted it and even longer until we could talk about it without it being weird. I even had to promise him I wouldn’t keep it activated whenever we’re together, a promise I didn’t always keep. If he knew I actually fucking slept with him, he’d hate me. He’d be so mad. And I’m sure we wouldn’t ever make up again. I’m also pretty certain he wouldn’t care if it was real for me or not.

So he can’t find out. Like, ever. I just gotta act like always, like everything’s perfectly normal and I didn’t make the probably biggest mistake of my life. But that would probably be telling him about it.

“Want to stay?” I ask, gently nudging his arm. He looks up, newfound hope in his smile.

“Yeah. Of course.”

I smile back and hope I can keep this up for as long as I need to.

We order a pizza and curl together on my bed, playing _Super Smash Bros Ultimate_ on my Switch and for the moment everything feels fine. As if nothing has changed.

I do my best to pretend everything is alright, laughing at his jokes, leaning into him when he pulls me closer and dodging his hand whenever he wants to hit me after I win. But every now and then my thoughts drift back to the Squip and what we did and my stomach churns with guilt.

He still hasn’t activated again. I wonder if he’s actually mad at me. Or maybe there’s really something wrong. But I would have noticed, wouldn’t I? I mean, he’s in my head. Maybe he’s broken or has a bug or something like that... Maybe that’s what made him even do this with me. It certainly wasn’t because it’s gonna make my future so awesome.

“Everything okay?”, Michael asks quietly, I blink and look at the screen, showing I’ve lost the fourth time in a row. I nod quickly, pressing the restart button.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You’re... still thinking about it?” He pauses the game and looks at me, I just shrug my shoulders. Maybe I should just pretend that’s what’s bothering me so much.

“It’s just... I’m gonna miss you...”

Michael smiles weakly, taking my hand. I glance down, watching him slide his fingers through mine.

“I’m gonna miss you too. But we’ll text and I’ll call you everyday if you want to...”

“Definitely. But I’m gonna miss... this.” I gesture around is. I don’t know what I mean. The gaming maybe, the just meeting up and talking. We haven’t been doing much else lately. Our relationship kind of... stopped? I don’t know how to call it. It had been freaking amazing in the beginning, our normal friendship evolved in so much more and it felt like it always was meant to be like this. I still remember the first time we kissed so clearly, but simultaneously it feels like ages ago...

But now... well, we are still kissing, except for today, but it’s different. It doesn’t send this thrill through me anymore, it’s just... normal. I don’t know what he feels, I’ve never asked. I’d feel weird, addressing it. We’ve been friends for so long, it _should_ work. We are like, meant for each other. And I’m honestly scared of his answer. What if he said he still loves me? While I... I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me because he’s amazing and we’re best friends but still...

Maybe we shouldn’t ever have become boyfriends. Maybe in getting together we inevitably ruined our friendship. Because if we ever break up (and that moment suddenly seems frighteningly close) there’s no way we could remain friends. At least I can’t imagine there is.

I practically just admitted it to myself, haven’t I? That this is why I cheated on him. Because I don’t feel like this for Michael anymore. I don’t love him enough anymore. ‘Cause if I would, I never would have done it. I’m such an awful person... Michael doesn’t deserve this.

“Me too... Hey.” Michael puts his hand to my cheek, turning my head to him, trying a soft smile. I realize I have been quiet again.

“Don’t worry so much. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think. And we still have a month of holidays together...”

Right. I nod, looking back into his eyes, hoping mine don’t give away the _I cheated on you_ that’s constantly swirling through my head.

Michael leans in and I know it's gonna happen now and I feel like my heart skips a beat. What if he just, I don’t know, feels it? There has to be something, anything to notice and then he’d ask and I really can’t explain–

His lips meet mine for a second and I’m so frozen I don’t even kiss him back. I’m so stupid. Michael leans back, smiling a bit irritated.

“You okay?”

I nod, staring at him and promptly lean closer, kissing him back. Michael chuckles, shaking his head.

“I take that as a yes...”

I force a smile and nod, snuggling a bit closer to him. It’s not that it feels bad. It really doesn’t. But I feel like it’s not more than friendship anymore. Ironic, really, I just kissed him.

He wraps his arm around me and I lean my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes. Man, this is so confusing...

I wish my Squip would come back and tell me what to do.

It’s pitch black outside already, I pull the (new) blanket over us, feeling Michael softly stroke over my arm. Only then I notice that I’m actually feeling quite tired. But it’s more like... my body is exhausted. Which makes sense, I suppose. Maybe tomorrow everything will be better...

Michael shifts a bit next to me, pulling me closer, his hand wanders further down and I hold my breath. His leg slips in between mine and _oh_... Where does this come from...?

I swallow and grab his wrist. Michael’s eyes snap up into mine, he’s smiling sheepishly. I slowly shake my head, trying an apologizing smile.

“I, uh... I’m just... really tired.”

Michael’s eyes widen slightly, he pulls back his knee and hands, his smile drops.

“Oh... Sure. Sorry...”

“It’s fine...” I bury my face in his shoulder and ignore the guilt in my stomach and let Michael hug me, my thoughts spinning in seemingly never ending circles until I finally fall asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think in a comment! (✪‿✪)ノ  
> Happy New Year! <3
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/)


	2. Chapter 2

Obviously the next day starts just as bad. I wake up, sleepily cuddled in next to Michael and stare at the ceiling, needing a moment to remember the reason for the heavy tugging at my heart. It doesn’t take long and the memory comes back, together with a crushing feeling of guilt that makes my stomach ache.

I suppress a sigh and cast my boyfriend a glance, carefully winding myself out of his arms to sit up. I feel weird. Bad, of course, because of what I did yesterday, it feels so wrong even lying next to him now. He probably wouldn’t want me to if he knew what happened between me and the Squip. In the same bed. Ugh. I don’t want to have that conversation with him, I really don’t... I can’t have him find out, I don’t want to loose my best friend under any circumstances.

Michael still seems pretty asleep, his glasses lying on the little nightstand next to my bed, his chest is rising and falling softly.

I don’t feel capable of waking him up and talking to him yet. Taking a breath I lean my head back against the wall, closing my eyes.

I had a very weird dream I suddenly remember. But I’m not surprised. I was back at high school, almost two years ago, back on the evening when we performed– well, wanted to perform _A Midsummer Night’s Dream._ Aka the day my life completely went down and... up simultaneously? I mean, my relationships with Christine and Michael probably wouldn’t have happened without that incident...

The dream had been pretty realistic, considering the shit I normally dream about, almost frighteningly accurate to what really happened back then. This depressing mood at school after the fire, Christine and Jake, Michael and I fighting, the Squip’s sudden change in plans and this awful pain that shot through my head when I deactivated him... I thought it’s too long ago to remember it properly but after that dream (was it a nightmare?) it feels like all that stuff happened yesterday...

It’s strange, comparing my life now to how it was then. I’m not in love with Christine anymore, Michael’s not only my best friend anymore but my boyfriend and the Squip is back. And different. Really fucking different. If only he’d still be as much of an asshole as back then (not that he isn’t sometimes) I definitely wouldn’t have slept with him. Probably. Maybe.

The thought of that pulls me back to the hard reality. That hadn’t been a dream. I actually did that. Cheating on Michael. I suppose I can stop hoping I’ll just forget about it after a while. And the Squip just pissed off, leaving me alone to deal with this– him, when I have no idea how to handle this situation. How could I? I never wanted to be in it. Never. It’s a fucking awful feeling.

But it’d get even worse if he’d find out. So keeping it a secret and act like everything is normal is the best and only thing I can do for now.

Michael stirrs, the blanket’s rustling, I open my eyes, my gaze falling on his face. He opens his eyes, slowly blinking, tiredly smiling up at me.

I pull myself together. I can do this. 

***

I really can’t do this. Michael and I eat breakfast together, my dad has already left for work. I can see how relieved he is that we made up, he’s all back in his normal behavior again. I try to act normal too, but mentally remain on the edge of my seat the whole time, worrying he’ll notice I’m hiding something. I don’t think he does or else he hides it pretty well, but I can’t help and feel relieved when his phone vibrates with a message and he says he has to go because he totally forgot about a meeting.

He kisses me goodbye (on the cheek) and I force a smile and watch him leave, closing the door as soon as he gets in his car.

Shit. This is more difficult than I thought. It’s not just hiding my guilty conscience from Michael, it’s this gnawing feeling of doubt in our relationship, too. If it even made sense to hide this from him or if I should just tell him, risking the possible end of our friendship and definite end of our relationship. If maybe it would end anyway, as soon as we went to college.

I don’t know. I suppose I’ll see how long I can keep this up.

I slump back into my room, turning on my computer, staring at the black screen as it starts up.

What even is the Squip doing? Hello? Reactivate? Just pissing off without telling me... He can’t actually be mad at me, right? He’s not capable of that, is he? I guess I’ll never find out because he isn’t fucking here to ask...

I bury myself in video games for the next couple of hours until I start feeling hungry and get some left over pizza from yesterday. It’s helping me get my mind off things for a bit but every time I check my phone and am met with the wallpaper of me and Michael at Comic Con, it all comes back to me. I go ahead and change it and immediately feel bad about it.

I finish the pizza and switch places to my bed to watch some Netflix, hoping at least that can distract me. It doesn’t.

I pause the video and bury my face in my pillow. My eyes are stinging. I’m not gonna start crying because of this, it was my own decision. A decision made out of recklessness and just because we had this stupid fight... I should have just thought about it, not act like such a dick.

But I didn’t.

I bite my lip, turning onto my back. I actually miss him. And no, not Michael, the Squip. I need his help. I don’t think he’s ever been gone for so long. I just feel weirdly alone. Maybe I should text Michael, just to not make him suspicious.

I grab my phone, hesitantly opening his chat. His messages from yesterday practically jump into my face. I haven’t texted anything back since then.

I text him: _hey, what r u up to?_

Great job, Jeremy. Sighing, I run my hab over my face, closing my laptop. My eyes fall on my dirty laundry basket and I promptly feel the blood shooting into my cheeks.

Why did he even do that? Agree to sleep with me? That was a pretty big deal, wasn’t it, even for a supercomputer... Didn’t he know how bad this is gonna make me feel? He kind of tried to warn me, yeah, but he didn’t stop me either. I have no idea why. Did he want to do this with me?

That is not something that’s possible, is it? I don’t know... Maybe he’s capable of that now. I suppose I just have to ask him. If he ever comes back.

I sit up, staring at the mattress. It’s not like it didn’t feel good. It felt really fucking great. So, so different from Michael but equally as good. He knew exactly what I wanted without me having to tell him and he just gave it to me in such an amazing way... Alone thinking of that makes me feel fuzzily warm inside and my pants suddenly start to feel a size too tight. I shouldn’t think about it, I really shouldn’t. Before I do something I regret even more.

I need to get some fresh air. Or rather, get out of this room.

I go downstairs, putting on my coat and scarf, leaving my phone in my room. It’s not snowing anymore but it’s still freezing cold outside. I bury my hands in my pockets, navigating down the street, allowing my thoughts to drift off again.

Despite everything, I don’t really regret it. I don’t wish it didn’t happen. I just... wish it wouldn’t have happened while Michael is my boyfriend. That doesn’t really make sense, does it? I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused. I shouldn’t be, I should get things straight with Michael before everything gets worse or he finds out somehow. Because these things always get out, one way or the other.

Maybe the Squip is even gonna help me tell him the truth. I’d probably mess it all up alone. Michael will be so mad. I’ll lose him. As my boyfriend and best friend. I’ll be alone. Well, almost. I’m never really alone. But currently I am. Who knew how long, maybe he wouldn’t ever be coming back. I really fucked up everything.

I sigh softly, leaning against a fence, glancing up at the sky. It’s slowly getting dark and I’m feeling cold, maybe I should head back. Only to sit in my room again and contemplate my life choices.

I push myself of the fence, turning around to head back down the street.

_“Hey Jeremy.”_

I stop dead in my tracks, my head snapping around to the left. There he stands, in all his fucking glory, giving me an apologizing look.

_“I apologize for my absence. There was something I had to take care of.”_

I stare at him. “Yeah? How about taking care of me? I needed you.”

He could have helped me with Michael. And with myself. The Squip steps next to me and I reluctantly turn into the other direction again, continuing my walk.

_“I’m sorry. I reactivated as soon as possible. You managed quite well without me. Michael doesn’t suspect a thing, as far as I can tell.”_

Yes and that’s horrible. I feel awful lying to him. What’s gonna happen if he finds out? He’s gonna leave me and we’ll never see each other again, possibly after forcing me to drink a gallon of Mountain Dew Red. I don’t want to lose him. Or you.

_“He is not going to do that to you. He is most likely going to break up with you, throw a few rude words at your head, then leave.”_

Awesome. I softly shake my head, glancing at him again. So we’re just gonna let that happen?

_“If you want that. We... could try and talk to him, explain things.”_

That never ever works. I glance down at the sidewalk, at the footprints I’m leaving in the snow and the still untouched path next to me where the Squip walks.

“He won’t forgive me. I wouldn’t even forgive myself...” I stop, catching my breath after the little hill we walked up. Not after what I did.

_“Michael loves you very much. There’s a little chance he will forgive you.”_

Is there? I don’t know. I don’t know if I want that. Things have been weird between us for a while now... Maybe it’s better if we just...

_“Make a clean cut?”_  He sounds strangely empathetic, saying that. I give him a look. Yeah. Maybe. I don’t want to loose him but I don’t want to keep lying to him for the rest of my life either. We won’t be seeing each other when we’re in college anyway...

_“Your choice, Jeremy.”_

But what’s the best option? Don’t you know that? The sun is already setting, painting the sky a beautiful pink and orange. I stop to look at him. You can calculate it all, can’t you?

He nods, burying his hands in the pockets of his jacket, looking into the distance. I try not to stare at him, try not to notice how the sunlight falls into his face and makes his eyes look almost gold.

“So? What, uh... do I do?”

He looks at me and I quickly avert my eyes. My heart is beating ridiculously fast all of a sudden.

_“Tell him the truth as soon as possible. That way he’ll realize he still means something to you and you do regret it.”_

“But I don’t–“ I bite my lip before the rest of the sentence comes over my lips. I can feel his eyes piercing through me, they’re practically drilling a hole in my head.

_“You don’t what?”_

“I don’t... regret it?” I mumble, before he has the chance to read my thoughts because I hate when he does that instead of waiting for my answer.

He’s quiet for a moment, I nervously chew on my bottom lip, keeping my gaze down. I’m an asshole for not regretting it, I know. I should.

_“I don’t understand. You wish to make up with Michael but you don’t regret what we did? Why not?"_

I don’t know; because it was really freaking great? I shrug softly, looking the other way. I know it’s fucked up. I’m sorry, I’m making this more difficult than it is anyway. Of course I want to make up with him. And yeah, it probably would have been better if we wouldn’t have done it but I can’t lie to myself. I know I’d do it again...

_“Then what to do you want to do?”_ He steps in front of me, meeting my eyes, I squint against the sunlight. Good question. There are only two choices, really. Tell him or not tell him.

_“You could take the first step and break up with him, without telling him about us.”_

Us? I mean, what? And what am I supposed to say instead? Make up something? He’s right, kind of, it certainly wouldn’t hurt him as much as the truth but I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it. I would say I’m a pretty good liar but he’s my best friend, what if he sees right through me?

_“Then you tell him the truth.”_

He steps next to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. It sends a weird tingle through my guts, I can’t explain. I don’t want to. It makes me feel warm despite the snow.

I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I can bear the look of disgust and disappointment and anger in his eyes and hear him telling me he never wants to see me again– no, I really can’t.

_“But breaking up with him is easier?“_ , he asks quietly, squeezing my shoulder, I shrug cluelessly. I figure it out, I’ll sleep a night over it or something... We’ll see what happens. I avert my eyes in the distance, he follows my gaze, humming softly.

_“Always a good strategy...”_

I can hear the amusement in his voice and nudge him with my elbow.

“Shut up...” I don’t know what to do, that’s it. I have no idea. What would you do?

He looks at me from the side, with a thoughtful expression, I continue to watch the sunset.

_“I already told you the best two options. Of course you could try to hide it from him, I could help you with that. But knowing you, Jeremy, you’ll only continue to feel more guilty than you already do and that is not something we want to encourage.”_

I smile a bit, scuffing the tip of my boot into the snow. So in other words, I shouldn’t have cheated in the first place because I’m too much of a coward to actually keep it to myself.

_“No. Everyone makes mistakes, Jeremy. You simply have a much better personality.”_ He gives me a smile that feels warmer than the evening sun on my face.  _“So in other words, you just have a good heart.”_

I give him a glance, returning his smile suddenly sheepishly. That definitely was a compliment. Not sure if I deserve such.

He doesn’t respond. I close my eyes against the sunlight, enjoying the soft warmth on my face for a moment. It feels almost too nice for my current situation. The end of the year is approaching and with that college (finally) and still I fail to be happy about it. I don’t think I’ve really _paused_ since that fight with Michael yesterday. I really should have different things in mind and yet here we are... I sigh, opening my eyes again, glancing at the Squip next to me. At least he’s still here.

I unobtrusively watch his blue eyes watching the sun go down, there’s this little content smile on his lips he rarely shows. I wonder if he finds that sunset as beautiful as I do.

His smile grows a bit and he looks down before turning his head and meeting my eyes.

_“I do.”_

It sparks this prickly cozy feeling inside my chest again and makes my heart flutter. Jesus Christ. I have no idea when that became a thing. Huh?

_“Think it’s beautiful.”_

Right. I scratch my arm slightly embarassed, I forgot he knows my thoughts for a second there. Really? Didn’t think you would...

_“Why not?”_ He frowns softly, tilting his head and I do my best to not let my gaze fall down on his lips.

“I don’t know... you never comment on these things.”

I fail and promptly feel the blood shooting in my cheeks. I shouldn’t stare at him so much. Just thinking of last night makes my body feel things I shouldn’t be experiencing in the middle of the street.

_“According to my database sunsets are in the category of what humans call ‘beautiful’ as well as auroral lights, flowers, a symmetrical face in humans et cetera.”_

I look away, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans. That’s not what I meant... That’s like... the computer answer. What do you really think?

He takes a moment to answer, something I’ve rarely seen happening. He draws his brows together, glancing back at the horizon before turning back to me, studying my face for another few seconds. This is so weird. But interesting, kind of. I smile expectantly.

“Yeah? Don’t overheat or something, please.”

He blinks and softly shakes his head. _“That’s not possible.”_

I shrug, giving him a grin. So? 

There’s a smile sneaking on his face, he puts his arm around my shoulders, in a somewhat comradely way. I don’t mind.

_“Well. I think there are a few beautiful things in this world. None of which should be defined by mere appearance.”_

That... is not an answer I expected. Alright. Cool. His fingers softly stroke over my shoulder, I lean into his touch a little bit. It’s comforting. And warm.

_“Are you cold?”_

I mean, yeah, it’s freezing. I look up at him, rubbing my arms. It’s probably way below zero.

“A bit yeah.” I grin at him. “But if you keep talking about inner beauty and my good heart, that’ll do the trick.”

He chuckles, pulling me closer a bit.

_“As much as I like that, we should head home. It’s going to start raining soon.”_

It doesn’t look like rain though. But he can probably foresee the weather. What can’t he do after all?

“Exactly.” He lets go off me and tugs at my arm, I roll my eyes and reluctantly follow him. Not two minutes later it starts pouring.

 

I arrive at home five minutes later, drenched to the skin. Ugh. It’s winter, isn’t it supposed to be snowing?

_“Get out of these clothes or you’ll catch a cold. Take a hot shower.”_

The Squip, of course, is still dry. I take the stairs, entering the bathroom. He follows after. It’s already dark outside, I shut the curtain, stripping out of my soaking clothes. It’s not as awkward as before, of course not. I slept with him.

Turning on the tap, I step under the hot water, letting it run over my body and close my eyes. It feels great... I feel my muscles relaxing, the stress flows off me a bit. I sigh softly, running my hand through my hair. I actually feel better after that walk and the talk with him... I suppose he has that effect on me.

I rub some shampoo in my hair, massaging it in my scalp. It’s really warming me up and as I wash myself with the soap, I promptly feel reminded of how the Squip touched me yesterday. I pushed these thoughts aside since then, but it seems like now they’re as present as ever. Of course it felt good, it hadn’t been real, he made it feel good. He knew what I’d respond to the most, what I liked best and that never happened with Michael.

I bite my lip, closing my eyes, my hand is slowly reaching in between my legs. I try not to make a sound, try to keep my thoughts under control to not alert the Squip. Think of something different. I start touching myself and my knees get weak, I lean against the cold wall, slowly sliding down to the floor of the shower. Don’t think of him, think of anything but him, it’s not right, he’ll notice... Michael, I should think of Michael, doing this, of my boyfriend... But I can’t. My thoughts won’t stay with him, they always go back to last night. How he kissed me, so gentle and at the same time fierce and touched me in all the right places and said the right things and I wish he’d be the one touching me right now because it felt so, so much better–

A quiet moan escapes my lips and I move faster, supporting myself on the fogged up glass door with my free hand. Shit... I need to hurry the fuck up or he’ll be back and notice and I really can’t explain. Nor do I want to. But I want him. God, just thinking about him makes me crave his touches even more, I wanna feel his lips on mine again, his fingers in my hair and his body on mine, touching me and taking me and–

_“Jeremy. You shouldn’t do that.”_

My eyes snap open and my breath gets stuck in my throat. He’s sitting next to me, but on the other side of the glass, I can barely see him.

“S-shut up.” I lower my eyes, the water’s pooling up around me. Please just let me have this moment, I’ll tell him anyway, what does it matter?

But instead of scolding me, he leans closer, reaching up to press his hand against the glass where mine still is. I can almost feel it despite the pane between us, yet I need him to be even closer.

_“I’m not holding you back, am I?”_

I stare at him, slowly shaking my head. You’re not. I take a breath and push my hair out of my eyes, softly kicking against the door. Are you gonna come in or what?

_“Do you want me to?”_

Yes. Fucking yes. I bite down on my lip, trying to get my breath back under control as his hand disappears from the glass and I finally manage to kick open the door, completely forgetting that he doesn’t even need to use it.

But he does anyway and I swallow when he crawls in, eyeing me with a mildly curious expression. My body almost aches with anticipation and the stupid thought of isn’t the water going to damage him, shoots through my mind. Of course not, he’s in my brain, I’m an idiot. I can’t think clearly and I blame it all on him.

“ _Actually_ , _you_ _should_ _blame_ _it_ _on_ _your_ _nervous_ _system_. _It’s_ _sending_ _electric_ _signals_ _to_ _your_ _brain_ _which_ _impede_ _rational_ _thinking_.”

Oh really? I spit out some water, wiping it out of my face. This time he actually gets wet, too as soon as he joins me under the stream, it wouldn’t make much sense if he wouldn’t, right? His dark hair clings to his forehead and I reach out to wipe it back, brushing my fingers over his wet cheek. My heart is beating so fast. It’s a whole new feeling.

He crawls closer, in between my legs and I let out a somewhat shaky moan, barely having time to take a breath before his hands gently cup my cheeks and his lips press against mine. The kiss is moist and slippery and I get water in my mouth but I’m really not complaining. I close my eyes, holding onto the clothes, he is for some reason still wearing. He really needs to take those off.

He leans back a bit, softly prodding his nose against mine. _“I don’t think that will be necessary for this, Jeremy...”_

His voice is barely a whisper and it sends a shiver through me despite the hot water dripping down on us. My hip involuntarily launches forward a bit and I suppress a groan, accidentally bumping my forehead against his as I capture his lips in another heated kiss. 

Why not? I mean, I’m naked...

_That_ _should_ _be_ _enough_ _for_ _me_ , _don’t_ _you_ _think_?

I don’t know... I pull him closer by his stupid jacket, leaning my back against the cold tiles, they feel good against my hot skin. Kinda unfair, don’t you think?

I don’t think about why I am doing this. It’s like these thoughts, these doubts and worries are locked away in a corner of my mind, to think about later. I’m not thinking about Michael even though this situation reminds me of how we had– well, tried to have sex in his bathtub once and I hit my head on the faucet two minutes in and we stopped because we were laughing too much- Right now, though, it feels like a distant, unimportant memory.

_“Unfair?”_ , the Squip breathes into my ear and then his hands are touching me and my head tilts back against the wall and I hold onto his shoulder for support. Shit... _“I don’t think so.”_

No, you’re right, this is great. Really fucking awesome, actually. He hums softly, pressing a kiss to my cheek before the warmth of his lips disappears for a second and I hold my breath, opening my eyes, only to see my sight get blurry with water. This absolutely isn’t the best place for this but I couldn’t care less.

A moment later I feel his lips again but this time they’re further down, between my legs and _oh my God_ , he’s actually doing that... I breathe out a yes, combing my fingers through his hair, finding something to hold on to. My eyes flutter shut again, I can feel him and his tongue and my head is spinning like crazy. I never felt like this before, what are you doing...?

He doesn’t respond but I don’t mind, I keep slobbering out water to not choke on it, until the Squip reaches up to shut my mouth with his hand, because apparently I’m not capable of doing that alone anymore. He knows what I want, exactly what I want and drives me closer and closer to the end. He’s giving me everything.

And I know, somewhere in my clouded mind that I should feel bad because there is still Michael, my boyfriend and he can’t give me something so amazing as this but... is it really my fault that someone else can? 

***

I’m sitting on my bed, rubbing my hair dry with a towel, comfortably dressed in fresh warm clothes and the smile won’t leave my lips. This time he didn’t leave after, he’s still there, he’s watching me, sitting at the end of my bed, smiling softly. It feels different than the first time. It feels good. Instead of this heavy guilt in my stomach I feel like I’m walking on clouds. It’s the weirdest thing...

_“Who knew a simple act of oral intercourse would make you so happy.”_ The Squip smirks at me, I roll my eyes, throwing my towel at him.

“Don’t say it like that.” I run my hand through my hair, grinning. I mean, he’s right. Somehow. It did make me feel pretty great for some reason.

He chuckles, shifting a bit closer to me, I crawl back in the bed, crossing my legs, feeling his eyes on me.

_“I’m glad. I noticed your thoughts wander back in the shower... I thought I’ll help you out.”_

Yeah. Thank you. You were needed. I settle down into the pillow, he scoots closer to me, leaning against the wall. I turn to the side, looking up at him. He’s glancing back with this strangely affectionate look in his eyes. I could get used to it, I think. It’s definitely better than everything we had before. Everything I had before.

“Did you calculate it, this time?”

The Squip smiles softly, shaking his head. _“No. I simply decided to do it.”_

Hm. You should do that more often. I tiredly return his smile, closing my eyes. I like it. I’m feeling quite exhausted, this day seemed weirdly long, despite nothing happening. Well, except for this.

_“Jeremy...?”_

I feel a soft tap at my shoulder and raise my brows, without opening my eyes, smiling lightly. Yeah?

_“There is something you need to know.”_

Something in his voice makes me open my eyes again, meeting his. He sounded... hesitant somehow... almost shy. I give him a soft smile, nodding. I actually really prefer this. He scoffs softly, but I know he isn’t mad. He leans forward a bit, softly squeezing my shoulder, gaze trailing over my face.

_“The reason I deactivated for so long yesterday was because I detected a fault in my code.”_

That sounds like... really bad. I frown and slowly sit up. “Are you okay?”

The Squip looks down and lets out a silent breath, which is so human it’s startling.

_“I tried fixing it but it’s not a simple error in my programming. It’s almost like parts of my code are being rewritten. It... may take a while to fix it all, if it’s even possible.”_

I can’t help but feel a terrible sense of worry at that. For some reason I always thought he’s practically indestructible, even though I technically know what could destroy him. But this is different. It’s not something I can control. Is it?

He shakes his head again, the corner of his lips turning up into a little smile.

_“Even though I think it has everything to do with you, no. And more importantly, it will not affect you in any way. At least not directly.”_

I frown. “What do you mean it has to do with me? Did I do something?”

As far as I can remember there had been no Mountain Dew Red, Alcohol or concussion in my life during the last months. Maybe I accidentally consumed it anyway. Or I did something else, something that hurt him, or I went somewhere where he got that or–

_“No, Jeremy. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s more like...”_ He trails off and I bite my lip, shifting closer. I’ve never seen him like this. So... helpless?

_“I’m not helpless”_ , he immediately says, but he isn’t looking at me. I lean next to him against the wall, looking up at him.

“This... fault in your code... it’s not getting worse, is it? It’s not a virus or something?”

He shakes his head and I settle a bit closer, leaning my head against his shoulder. I mean, I’m glad. I really don’t want him to be broken... And explode in my head or something like that.

_“It’s... the best way to describe it would be... well, imagine it like this...”_ He sits up a bit, I watch curiously.

_“Instead of using the binary code, I’m working with photons, called Qubits which means I have intermediate states that–“_

“Wait”, I shake my head, grasping his wrist. “I have no idea what that means. Can you... like, how would you explain that to a small child?”

The Squip lets out a quiet chuckle, giving me a look. _“You’re not stupid, Jeremy.”_

“I... uh, thanks but... still. There’s a lot going on in my brain right now...” And I really can’t concentrate with him sitting here next to me after we just....

_“Okay. Of course.”_ He smiles at me.

“ _Well_... _Normal_ _computers_ _work_ _with_ _a_ _binary_ _code_ , _consisting_ _of_ _zeros_ _and_ _ones_. _You_ _know_ , _like_ _in_ _every_ _movie_ _involving_ _computers_.”

I nod slowly. I’ve seen that before. Michael and I used to watch a lot of movies like that when we were younger. But he always knew more about computers than I do.

_“Every zero and one represents a piece of information. But I don’t use those. I function with Qubits, imagine it as tiny pieces of light. Each of these can be a one or a zero or something in between.”_

I really wonder where this is going. We never talked about this before, about how he works inside my brain, not even when I first activated him, I suddenly realize. I never asked, it never was important to me. Until now, apparently. Because there’s something wrong now.

“A-And?” I know shit about computers, let alone nano computers, I don’t know what can be wrong, really. It feels weird, not being able to do something.

_“These intermediate states allow me to work in a parallel, fast way, almost like your brain. But better.”_

I suppress a grin, he still doesn’t leave out a change to tease me, does he? Alright, I get it. You’re awesome. I softly nudge him.

_“Thanks. But... since a couple of months I noticed a shift in my program. Every time I made a decision for you I had my program tell me exactly what would be the best thing to do. But in the last months these information, the Qubits, it became unclear...”_

He glances down at my hand still on his wrist and I bite my lip, slowly letting go. Because of me?

_“Partially...”_ He turns to the side, facing me. _“I can hardly differate between what signals come from my program and which are new. There are foreign signals and new information that, in a way...”_ He pauses and reaches up, gingerly stroking a strand of hair behind my ear. I stare at him.  _“... come very close to... human emotions.”_

I swallow. Human emotions? That’s what this error is? There’s something growing in my chest, warm and _hopeful_ , pushing away the concern and doubts and I start grinning like an idiot. “So you feel stuff now? Emotions?”

He smiles softly and strokes his thumb over my cheek. “ _Well_ , _I_ _can’t_ _actually_ ‘ _feel_ ’ _emotions_. _I’m_ _emulating_ _them_ _to_ _a_ _very_ _precise_ _degree_. _At_ _least_ _that’s_ _what_ _I_ _think_ _this_ _is_.”

I tilt my head, a suddenly feeling of excitement flowing through me. Yeah, right. But that isn’t bad, quite the contrary... That’s an improvement, isn’t it? If you can feel things, that’s super cool. Wait. I remember something. Does that mean... you like, felt that too, back in the shower and yesterday? You know...

_“Your orgasm?”_

“Exactly.” I ignore the blood shooting in my cheeks, watching his face. Why does he have to be so blunt all the time?

_“I thought you’ve gotten used to it after all this time.”_

No. I’ll probably never get used to it. But you didn’t answer my question. I grasp his hand, sliding my fingers through his, his eyes stay on our hands.

_“It’s different with that. I can connect to your limbic system, which means I have access to your physical feelings to a certain extent.”_

So... we basically felt the same thing? In that case, I’m not surprised you came into the shower with me. But calling me needy. His lips twitch into a little smile and my heart flutters in my chest.

_“You must be rubbing off on me.”_

“Possibly.”

His expression then hardens a bit, he softly pokes my shoulder and I sink back into the pillow, he shifts to the edge of the bed.

_“You should sleep now. We can talk about this tomorrow. It’s late.”_

“Hey, wait...” I grab his sleeve, stroking over the soft fabric. For some reason I can’t meet his eyes for this. “Can... I ask you something else?”

_“Sure. Anything.”_

He looks at me expectantly, I turn to the side, propping my head on my arm.

“What... um... what exactly is it you feel for me?” As soon as the words left my lips I almost feel ashamed. I mean, I don’t know if he even feels anything for me. I avert my eyes, pulling up the blanket.

“I mean... it’s something, right?”

Maybe not, maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe he really just did all that because _I_ wanted to. I could be imagining. But I hope I’m not. I really hope I’m not.

He shakes his head, leaning down to me a bit, smiling. _“It’s something.”_

That’s enough for me for now.

Tucked in my blanket ten minutes later and already halfway asleep, I find myself wondering if maybe there’s something from my side, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whatcha doing Jeremy??
> 
> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think! :))
> 
> Also feel free to talk to me on [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/) if you want to! (⌒‿⌒)


	3. Chapter 3

_“...emy... Jeremy.”_

I frown softly at the quiet voice saying my name, burying my face in the pillow. I feel like I haven’t slept at all. Rolling onto my back, I tiredly blink against the sunlight, covering my eyes with my hand. What time is it?

_“Half past ten. Time to get up.”_

I squint at the Squip, standing next to the bed, hands folded behind his back, glancing down at me.

Oh. Hey. I slowly sit up, rubbing my eyes.

_“Hey.”_

I shift to the edge of the bed, looking up at him and remembering what happened yesterday. I wonder how it’s gonna change things between us from now on. I mean, it’s certainly going to be different from now on. If he has something similar to emotions now. It sounds so weird in my head. Reminds me a bit of how people are always saying technology is someday gonna develop its own conscience and attack us. So is this what’s happening right now? I give him half-hearted smile.

_“I’m not going to attack you”_ , the Squip responds, sounding amused. I grin. I didn’t think you would. I reach for my clothes, getting dressed.

Quite the contrary, huh? I turn my back to him, silently smiling to myself. I wonder if he stayed around last night. I wouldn’t mind.

He’s so different to Michael. I can’t say what exactly it is, but with him it just feels so much better. Maybe because he’s connected directly to my brain and that makes it feel more intense and realer than it ever did with my boyfriend.

Yesterday I felt pretty amazing after what we did in the shower and I know something changed for the Squip too because he told me about this bug in his program. And I’m happy about it, really, I prefer this version of him over all the previous once, I like him more human...

But now, on the next day, I still don’t exactly regret it, because it had been great and there’s no point lying about it, but I start to feel just as guilty as yesterday. It’s not fair, comparing them both. It’s not Michael’s fault that it’s just better with the Squip. He is better than anyone.

And I thought about it and I need to tell Michael. Tell him I don’t think we can go on like this and that we’d be better off without each other and it probably doesn’t make much sense when we’re going to different colleges anyway. Something like that. I don’t feel good thinking about that, I really don’t want to hurt him.

Even if I don’t love him anymore, not as my boyfriend, we’ve been friends for so long, he doesn’t deserve me just lying to him like this. There’s this spark of hope that we can stay friends, maybe not like we were before but our friendship isn’t like that anymore anyway. But maybe slightly. I don’t want to lose him entirely.

_“It would indeed be beneficial for you if you two stay friends. Unfortunately the chances for that are pretty slim.”_

I turn around to the Squip, he’s standing surprisingly close, placing his hands on my shoulders. The touch sparks something warm inside me.

_“You could need someone to be your friend, even if you’re not in the same school anymore. Your friendship is very important to Michael, it’s likely he doesn’t want to give it up easily, which...”_ He stops and his eyes wander over my face and down my body and his grip increases for a second, then he looks away and lets go. _“... should make this easier.”_

I frown, that was... weird. I’m not used to him hesitating or backing off. I don’t know what to think of this. I remember something. “Hey... you said we’re going to talk about this... change in your software or whatever... Are we?”

He meets my eyes, softly shaking his head. _“Not now. We’ve got more important things to take care of first.”_

I sigh, shrugging my shoulders. If he says so. He’s probably right, it’s important to fix this now. Or at least try to.

_“Exactly...”_ The Squip gives me a brief smile. I return it, reluctantly reaching for my phone. Am I going to call him? Or text him? My stomach churns nervously.

“I-I don’t think I can do this... what am I even supposed to say?”

The thought of actually having to do this, tell him, and with that probably end our relationship, suddenly starts to freak me out. I mean, we’ve been together for over a year. Things are really gonna change after this.

I don’t know if I want that. I don’t really have a choice, I can’t keep this a secret forever. But it’s not gonna be easy. He still means so much to me and I’m scared what’ll happen. What if he’ll never talk to me again? What if he just leaves and we’ll never see each other again, because I fucked everything up? Just because I was angry and made a stupid decision. Twice.

_“You said you don’t regret it.”_

No, I don’t. I shake my head, sighing softly. I really don’t. The Squip’s looking at me, brows furrowed, almost irritated.

“But I don’t want to destroy everything, you know?” I’m quite good at messing things up. Wouldn’t be the first time.

_“Don’t worry about it too much. I’ll be there to help.”_ He then looks past me, crossing his arms, pressing his lips together. _“Besides, I find myself disliking you thinking about Michael all the time.”_

You’re... what, jealous? I can’t believe it. I step closer, nudging his arm.

“Just yesterday I let you blow me in the fucking shower, who do you think I’m thinking about now, huh?”

I grin at him, he just cocks his head, frowning deeper. _“No. I’m in your brain and I know you keep thinking of Michael.”_

I roll my eyes, shrugging my shoulders. Yes, but only because of what’s going to happen after I tell him. I’m not thinking about him in the way I think about you. You should know that. Why do I have to explain that to you?

A smile sneaks on his lips, he softly shakes his head. _“You don’t. I just want to hear you say it.”_

“Say what?”

_“In what way you think about me.”_

How is it that when it comes to stuff like this, emotional stuff, he’s not as blunt as normally? I didn’t even know he could be not-blunt.

“What would you like to hear?”

His smile grows a bit and he averts his eyes almost sheepishly, wow. Now that’s a whole new look. I just wish it would last longer, because he already shakes his head again, crossing his arms. _“That’s not important now. Just tell me your feelings.”_

We’re talking about feelings now? Well... I mean, you were pretty great and I think–

_“Not for me. What you want to do about Michael. You’re unsure. You don’t know if you’re making the right decision. It could mean losing Michael forever.”_

Oh. I mean, right. I don’t want that to happen.

_“Then what do you want to do? What should be the result of this?”_

Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You know everything, don’t you? You can calculate everything in a matter of seconds.

_“Yes...”_ He eyes me, as if he’s analyzing me. _“But you’re uncertain if you should tell him. You don’t want things to change between you two, yet you don’t love him anymore. You don’t regret sleeping with me but you feel guilty about lying.”_

I bite my lip, regarding my carpet instead of meeting his eyes. Yeah. Confusing, isn’t it? I’m just scared of ruining everything. Either way.

_“Emotions are difficult to understand. It’s only natural to be frightened of change.”_

I nod weakly. Makes sense. What about your emotions? Can’t we talk about that?

_“Michael comes first. Text him.”_

I hesitantly unlock my phone, staring at his number. And what do I write? I don’t know how I am supposed to do this. There’s no way I’ll get these words over my lips.

_“You decide. Ask him to come over.”_

I take a deep breath and start to type. He hasn’t texted me since yesterday. I suppose he’s been busy as well. Probably with college stuff. I can’t help but feel a painful tug at my heart at that. We’ve been seeing each other almost daily since we were little, we always went to the same schools, did almost everything together. It’s strange, thinking that’s going to change now.

_u awake?_

I suppose I have no right to be mad at him for not answering me, I didn’t either last time. I give the Squip a glance.

“What do I do when he’s here?”

_“You either tell him the truth... or you keep pretending everything is fine. You have to make a choice. I’ll be there to help you, either way.”_

Thank you. I take a deep breath, running my hand through my hair. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. He deserves the truth as my boyfriend and my best friend of thirteen years. And it would certainly make things much easier. With the Squip, too. Because I do feel something for him, even if I don’t know what exactly yet.

If I don’t tell Michael, however... we could go on like now. I wouldn’t have to go to college without a friend even if we wouldn’t be seeing each other. I’d still have him on weekends and we could meet up and nothing would change at all. I wouldn’t have to go through the horrible feeling of telling him. Of him just leaving me alone, possibly forever. But I don’t know how long I can deal with this guilt.

Technically it should be an easy choice. But because I’m such a coward, it’s difficult for me. So, so difficult... It’s like I’m deciding between Michael and myself and by that, to an extent, the Squip. _Again_. And I know what I chose last time. Fuck...

The Squip’s looking at me, expectantly, arms crossed. I try to read the look on his face, without success.

“What do I do? Can’t you check for the... most favorable outcome?”

He always does that, why not now? Nervously chewing on my lip I watch his face. I want to do what’s right. I don’t want to throw away some kind of awesome future with Michael but I don’t want to accidentally ruin my life either...

_“I did. Both possibilities have the chance to turn out good or bad for you. But I can’t say if you should still trust my judgement”, he says, giving me a half hearted smile._

I swallow, that isn’t saying much... What if this is really going to change _everything_? What if I tell Michael and erase some kind of future where we get married or something like that? Or I don’t tell him and end up hurting him inevitably and it gets even worse? But wouldn’t it be better to not say anything, to not hurt him?

God, I shouldn’t think about it too much. I know what’s right, I know what I _should_ do. And still I’m hesitating. I helplessly look at the Squip.

“What would you do? What’s the best choice?”

He looks almost pained. _“Telling him and apologize. Like I told you–“_

“Yeah, but... what would you do? Not what does your program tell you what’s best.” I take a little step forward as he somewhat reluctantly meets my eyes. Because that’s important too, isn’t it? “What do you want me to do?”

He is silent for a moment, then he comes closer, and closer and I hold my breath as he eventually leans his forehead against mine, hands softly grabbing into my sweater. I’m almost speechless for a moment.

_“I think you already know that...”_

I look up at him, he’s looking back at me, so intensely and I can’t back off nor do I want to. He leans even closer, voice barely above a whisper.

_“Break up with him.”  
_

I swallow. Wow. That’s... what you want? I feel his grip getting tighter, he pulls me closer, I slowly wrap my hands around his wrists. His bright eyes study my face, lingering on my lips for longer and longer and it sends a chill through my whole body.

_“Yes. I want you for myself.”_

“Oh...”, is all I can say to that. I lean in a bit more, just to see his reaction. He doesn’t lean back, he simply closes his eyes. I’ve never seen him so honest... If that’s so... then how can I not choose you? Suddenly it seems so easy. Everything we did, why we did it, it makes sense. I don’t want Michael anymore. I want...

There’s not much room left between our lips and I honestly don’t think I can hold myself back any longer. When I connect our lips he kisses me back immediately, sighing, almost like he’s relieved. I press a bit closer, warmth shooting through my body. Kissing him feels good, it feels right. This is far away from the heated kisses we shared the other day, but I like it just as much. If not even better. He wants me and isn’t that what I want, too?

Then suddenly he releases me and I slowly open my eyes, seeing he took a big step back. What? Did I do something wrong?

“Look, I made my decision–“

_“No. Not you.”_

“Huh?” I stare at him confused, slowly approaching him again. He softly shakes his head, burying his face in one hand.

_“Not you did something wrong. I did. I’m supposed to assist you, Jeremy, in the best way possible. Not let this... emotional disturbance influence my decisions.”_

“Wh– But... why not? There’s nothing wrong with it.” I reach for his hand. “You said you want it and I do too, so why is it wrong?”

_“Because that is not my function. I shouldn’t be working like this, this is just an error. I’m supposed to help you fix your relationship with your boyfriend.”_

I lace my fingers through his, watching him eye our hands. And? That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. People break up with each other because they don’t love each other anymore. It happens. And I don’t want to get back together with him, you don’t need to fix anything...

The Squip just shakes his head. _“You don’t understand. This isn’t supposed to be happening.”  
_

I feel a tingle of anger bubbling up in my stomach.

“Who says that? Maybe that’s not what your programmers had in mind, but there are no rules to what you have to do now. You don’t need to assist me with anything. You can just be my–“

_“Your what?”_

I stop, glancing up in his eyes. There’s look in them I’ve never seen before. It’s frustration and concern and he looks away, pulling his hand out of mine. _“Your boyfriend? Your lover? What are we supposed to be? I’m a computer.”_

I scoff softly, isn’t this coming from his side, too? I know that, I know what you are. And it worked before, didn’t it?

_“This may work in the short term but in the long term, you’re better off with Michael. He’s real. He can give you more than me.”_

“I cheated on Michael, _with you_! That means something, you know!”

I know he feels something for me and I know I feel something for him. It’s not just my fault, we both wanted this. You just said you want us to break up! And that’s what I’m going to do, because I know there’s no point in trying to fix this relationship. Please. Am I seriously asking the Squip for permission to break up with Michael? When he just told me to do it?

He shakes his head, actually turning away from me. _“I shouldn’t have done that. Don’t listen to me. I’m malfunctioning.”_

I grab his shoulder to turn him back around. “If this is a malfunction then I don’t want you to be okay again.”

I expect him to contradict me or retreat again but he spins around and grabs my arms, tightly holding me in place. _“No, Jeremy. This isn’t good. This is not how it’s supposed to be. You shouldn’t feel anything for me and neither should I.”_

“But I do! Come on, let’s try it. Just forget your stupid program for once and let us—“

_“That is not how it works, Jeremy! I’m defective, I’m not working correctly, my program is broken, I can’t— WE can’t!”_ He softly shakes me, I didn’t even knew that was possible... _“Do you understand?”_

“No! If you love me why do you push me away like this? Why don’t we give it a try?” I free myself from his hard grip, shaking my head. I don’t know how he works, I don’t know how it feels for him, if he even feels like I do. But I know he wants this. _Me_. Isn’t that enough?

The Squip lets out a humorless laugh, shaking his head. _“No. No, it isn’t. I can’t function like this. And it wouldn’t be very wise to pursue a... relationship with me.”_

“But what we did is fine?” I scoff softly, taking a step back. Sleeping with me is okay, but everything else doesn’t work? How does that make sense?

_“Exactly. This doesn’t make any sense. We need to focus on more important things now.”_

“This is important. You’re like, the biggest part of my life.”

_“And I shouldn’t be.”_ He points behind himself to the bed where I threw my phone. _“He answered. Invite him over.”_

“Fine. But we’re not done. After I do this we’re going to talk.” I stare into his eyes, he does a little nod.

“Good.” I walk past him, grabbing my phone and opening Michael’s message.

_yeah, sorry, phone was empty. what’s up?_

I sigh softly and slumb down on my bed. What’s up? My Squip’s in love with me but he doesn’t admit it and by the way I cheated on you with him, too, I think we should break up. How about you?

Only I don’t write that.

_Ur free?_

I lie down onto my back, making myself comfortable. I should eat something, I’m slowly starting to feel hungry. My phone lights up again.

_yeah, want me to come over?_

_sure I’m waiting_

I glance at the Squip. Happy? He doesn’t say anything, he looks at me, an unreadable expression on his face. I scoff, getting up, walking past him to leave my room.

I head down the stairs, into the kitchen. What the hell just happened? He basically said he feels something for me and if it’s just an error in his code or whatever. I don’t care. Feelings are feelings and he never acted like this before, so it’s obvious something changed. Why can’t he just admit it? He almost did...

I take a breath, putting some toast into the toaster. I should concentrate on Michael now. What to say to him. How to explain this to him without hurting him too much. Because that’s the last thing I want to do. Maybe he’d forgive me. I can hope, can’t I?

The Squip doesn’t join me in the kitchen, I don’t know if he’s still waiting in my room or deactivated for now and I quietly finish my breakfast, lost in thoughts. I don’t know if he’s still trying to fix this error or if that’s even possible. I don’t want him to. Why can’t he just accept how it is? If he knows everything, surely he knows how to handle this too. And if not... well, he could just ask me. I know how feelings work, mostly. I could help him. If he’d just let me...

The door bell rings and push away the plate, sighing deeply. Okay. Here we go. Don’t fuck it up. I mean, what’s there not to fuck up about this?

I get up, opening the door for my boyfriend.

“Hey. Michael.”

“Hey...” Michael takes an unusually long second to answer and the smile he cracks is far away from happy to see me. For a moment I fear he knows about me and the Squip, but that doesn’t make any sense. How would he know? There’s no way.

I return his smile nonetheless, closing the door behind him.

“Come in. I... missed you.” That is a lie. But I don’t want to mess it all up already. Michael seems surprised, but doesn’t say anything. For a moment we just stare at each other, then he clears his throat, sitting down on the couch.

“So... something up?”

“Yeah, actually... I need to talk to you about something.” I’m so glad he asked.

Michael shifts around a bit, nodding absentmindedly. I wonder what’s wrong. If it’s still because of our fight or maybe it’s something else. Something I didn’t notice because I’ve been so preoccupied with the Squip.

“Are you okay?” I softly nudge his arm. Not very boyfriend-like. But I can’t bring myself to kiss him or something like that, not when I’m about to break up with him.

Michael looks up, softly shaking his head. “Sorry, what?”

I frown, scooting a bit closer to him. “I asked if you’re okay. You seem... sad.”

Michael shakes his head again, smiling weakly. “No, I’m fine. Really. You wanted to tell me something?”

Right. I take a breath, averting my eyes. This is it, I suppose. The moment of truth. “Yeah, uhm... you know, things have changed between us. Quite a lot, actually. And, well...”

I take a breath, trying to get it over my lips. _Just say it..._ He deserves the truth. I open my mouth even though I have no idea how to begin when someone interrupts me.

_“Jeremy. We need to talk. Now.”_

I shut my mouth again, my eyes flying through the room. He’s back, standing next to the couch, gaze sternly fixed on, to my surprise, Michael.

What’s this about? We’ll talk later, like I said. I concentrate back on Michael, I don’t want him to notice I’m talking to the Squip and that I have him activated. I owe him that much.

_“No, now. It’s important. Please, listen to me.”_

“Jeremy?” Michael waves his hand in front of my face, I blink, scolding myself inwardly.

“Sorry. Uhm... I just... I think–“

_“Michael cheated on you, last night.”_

What? My head snaps around to him, the Squip gives me a serious look.

_“I can sense the hormones he’s emitting and considering you weren’t the one he slept with because you were with me, it’s obvious he was with someone else. I just thought you should know that.”_

I stare at him, not comprehending. Yeah, right. Michael cheating on me. He’s like, the least likely person to ever do that. What the hell are you doing? Why’re you lying to me? Is this because of our conversation earlier?

_“I’m not lying. Why do you think he’s behaving so distantly, hm?”_

I don’t know! Because I’ve been distant too? Maybe he fought with his parents? Or he’s just in a bad mood, I don’t know. But certainly not because he _cheated_ on me. With whom? Huh?

“Jer? What’s going on?” 

Michael grabs my arm and I almost jump, quickly looking back at him. “I— you— sorry, I was just... thinking.”

God, stop talking to me now, I can’t concentrate.

_“Don’t you believe me?”  
_

I bite my lip, lowering my eyes. I don’t know. You said yourself I shouldn’t trust your judgement anymore. Maybe you’re just trying to confuse me, or something.

_“I’m not, I’m right!”_ His voice is loud in my head, I flinch slightly. Right, no need to fucking shout. Then tell me, who did he cheat on me with? I’m sure you can sense that too, can’t you?

He crosses his arms, eyes flashing. _“Ask him yourself. Go on.”_

I can’t, he‘ll know I’m talking to you!

_“What does it matter? Weren’t you just going to break up with him?”_

 I was until you started talking nonsense! Michael is not cheating on me, he can’t be. Why would he?

 “You’re talking to it, aren’t you? I thought we talked about this...” Michael gives me a look, I feel the Squip coming closer. Fucking hell, I can’t deal with both of you.

“Sorry. Give me a second.” I don’t wait for Michael’s answer, just holding my hand up, turning to the Squip now standing next to me.

That can’t be. He would never do that. You’re just making things up, because– well, I don’t know why, but–

_“I’m not! I’m sorry, Jeremy, he–“_

Stop. I don’t believe you. I feel anger bubbling up in my stomach. I can’t say if it’s because of Michael or the Squip. It can’t know stuff like that. That is not even possible, is it? I may not know everything but there are things I am one hundred percent sure about and the fact that Michael would never cheat on anyone is one of them.

I cross my arms, narrowing my eyes at him. You’ve got to be wrong. Maybe it’s an error. You have a lot of those lately, don’t you?

The Squip’s face falls for a second, I bite my lip but hold his gaze. It just can’t be. I can’t read the look in his eyes, but I feel like I shouldn’t have said that.

His voice is quiet and cold when he speaks again. _“Right. I do. I get it. I’ll leave you to it then.”_

And with that he just disappears. I stare at the spot where he had been standing a second ago, clenching my teeth. You can’t just leave me alone all the time! What, did I hurt you? You and your new feelings? Of course he doesn’t respond. Fuck you.

I bury my face in my hands, suppressing a groan. And now? What am I supposed to do? Ask him about it, or what?

I feel Michael shift beside me. “Why are you talking to it now? You promised me you wouldn’t do that, Jeremy.”

His tone is sharp and accusing, I swallow, the Squips words echoing in my head. He can’t be right, can he? He’s always right. But he can make mistakes. If he can feel, he can be wrong too. But he wouldn’t lie to me, would he? With these recently new developed... ‘feelings’?

“I... I know. But... he told me something just now...” I slowly look up at him, eyeing my boyfriend as if I could spot something that gives the truth away. I can’t, obviously.

“Did he?” Michael doesn’t look at me and I start wondering if it’s because I broke my promise (not for the first time, but he doesn’t know that) or because of something else. Maybe he doesn’t want me to notice he’s hiding something. If he’s hiding something.

“Yeah. Something weird.”

“And what’s that?” Michael huffs, leaning back on the couch. “I’m not even surprised, that thing wanted to take over the whole school two years ago. You totally should believe everything it says.”

His voice is dripping with sarcasm. I squint my eyes at him. I suppose I just gotta ask. I mean, I don’t believe the Squip but Michael’s undoubtedly behaving weirdly.

“He said you... what were you doing last night, Michael?”

Michael frowns at me, shaking his head. “What was I doing? I was at home. What’s this about?”

I ignore his question. “Alone?” I hope he just denies it. I truly hope the Squip was wrong.

Michael swallows, averting his eyes and my heart suddenly feels like it dropped to my stomach. Why doesn’t he say anything? Why doesn’t he look at me?

“What does that matter– why do you even listen to that pill anymore?”

Why is he changing the topic now? I stare at him, my throat feeling very dry.

“Answer me.”

Michael bites his lip and turns away from me. And that says it all, doesn’t it? I feel like he just punched me in the stomach. Michael cheated on me. _Too_. The Squip was right, he cheated on me. With whom? Why would he...?

“Look, Jeremy...”, he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. I don’t want to hear it. I want him to leave, right now and never see him again. But I can’t get a word over my lips.

“This is... I know I should have–“

“Seriously?” Apparently I’ve found my voice again. Michael? What the fuck? He’s been my best friend for so long and he just fucking cheats on me? _After_ we made up? I thought he loves me! I felt so bad, all this time, because of what I did with the Squip when he did the same and doesn’t even seem sorry about it!

“Who? Who was it?”

Michael scoffs. “Don’t act so innocent, Jeremy. I know you’ve kept this fucking thing in your head on all this time and I’m so done with it. It’s like it’s more important to you than I am.”

“I didn’t!”, I lie, so he’s seriously trying to blame this all on me now. “I promised you. And how can you even compare that–“

“Then why did you act like such a jerk? Why did you push me away, why did you behave so weird when I came to apologize? ‘Cause that thing tells you to, doesn’t it?”

“No!” That’s what he’s thinking? I behaved like that because I didn’t want him to notice something was wrong! ‘Cause I was freaking having sex with him ten minutes before Michael rang the doorbell!

“No, of course not. I’m done with having a boyfriend who’s controlled by a computer in his brain! It’s like you’re addicted to some kind of drug! And I’m sick of it. I never understood why you didn’t try to destroy it again. You keep choosing it over me!” Michael’s voice gets louder, I turn away, scoffing.

“And that’s a reason to just run off and screw the next best person?”

Michael lowers his head, regarding his hands in his lap. “Apparently.”

I feel my eyes sting. Right. “So it’s my fault? You cheated on me _because of me_?”

Michael sighs and I clench my teeth. He’s such a fucking asshole.

“I just figured that maybe there are people who care more about me. You know, who don’t block me out of their sight or get everything approved before they say it out loud."

“I’m not doing that! And that nerve blocking thing– that was ages ago! You— you could’ve just talked to me!”

I’m almost screaming at him but I can’t believe it. I don’t want to. Not Michael... This is different to my situation, I was mad at him, because we fought, I didn’t think. He did it after we made up again and he probably had been thinking about it for much longer–

Before I know it there are tears dripping down my cheeks and I turn away, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. I’m not going to cry because of him, I'm not giving him that. I’m not supposed to feel this way, either. I cheated too, I’m just as much of an asshole. But still... It’s awful.

“I didn’t think I could. You didn’t exactly give me that feeling, you know?”

“What?” I turn my head back to him, wiping at my eyes again. I suddenly wish the Squip would still be here, tell me what to do. I need him...

“This... is not my fault. Don’t blame this on me. Don’t fucking blame this on me, Michael!”

“Jeremy, you don’t get it, do you?” Michael shifts to the edge of the couch, he looks like he’s about to leave. I want him to leave. Don’t I? Am I still supposed to tell him what I did? I kinda feel like hiding in my room and crying my eyes out.

“Tell me, then! I’m your best friend. I thought we could talk about everything. I thought I can trust you. And what do you do? You just–“

“No, Jeremy”, he cuts me off, actually getting up, I follow after. I’m not gonna throw him out. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again if he leaves now. But I won't stop him either.

“You chose to keep that Squip when I told you I don’t like it. I trusted you to not let it manipulate you ever again. And yet you did. I bet it’s here now, isn’t it? It’s telling you exactly what to say, right?”

I take a deep shaky breath I didn’t think I’d manage. “No, it’s not. Of course it’s not.”

Michael narrows his eyes at me as if he’s trying to figure out if the Squip just told me to say that. I really thought he trusted me. At least enough to know that I’d never let the Squip control my speech ever again.

“God, Jeremy, it doesn’t matter, okay? I’m done with it. With you.”

I scowl at him, resisting the urge to punch something. “Yeah? Good. You know what? I don’t need a boyfriend like you. I thought we... I don’t know, love each other. That I meant something to you.”

“Yeah, you did. But that computer doesn’t.”

He takes a step back, towards the door, his eyes flash darkly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Michael this angry. “You’re so dependent on it, it’s crazy. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you’d let it fucking suck your dick too.”

I think Michael notices the obvious shock on my face, because his mouth drops open and he starts shaking his head.

“What, seriously? You— what, how is that even possible?”

I can’t hold his gaze. I look away, pressing my lips together. I can’t answer that.

“You’re crazy!”, Michael continues and it doesn’t exactly make me feel better. “That thing isn’t real! It’s messing with your brain, it’s just a– a hallucination!”

The anger is boiling hot inside of me. He has no idea. He doesn’t get it, he never understood me. “Shut up, Michael. You think I don’t know that? I do and I don’t fucking care.”

“But you’re angry with _me_ cheating?” Michael approaches me again, a look of disgust in his eyes. It probably would have broken my heart if he wouldn’t be right. Yes, I am. But I’m just as bad as he is. I don’t say anything.

“Fuck you, Jeremy. You’re so fucked up. At least Rich got rid of that thing when he could.”

I blink. Rich? What does Rich have to do with– Oh. _Oh_.

“So it’s Rich? You slept with Rich?”

Michael huffs, then gives a brief nod. I don’t know what to say. I didn’t even know they were friends or whatever. Rich had bullied him for years, both of us. I never had the impression they got along very well. Good, if he preferred him, so be it. I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore anyway. How could I ever even trust him?

“Get out.” I nod to the door. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“Same here”, Michael backs off and the look in his eyes is ice cold and I glare back, balling my fists to keep in my anger. I don’t want to do something I regret.

“Oh, and Jeremy?” Michael stops with his hand on the doorknob. I grit my teeth.

“Should it decide to force you to take over your new college I won’t be there to save your ass again.”

I rip open the door, giving him a light shove. “I don’t want your help anyway! You’re a fucking asshole, Michael.”

“ _I_ am? It’s a computer, Jeremy.” He lowers his voice a bit, probably so that the whole street doesn’t hear our argument. “You’re choosing a computer over me. Again.” I could be imagining but I believe to hear some concern in his voice. “I never should have helped you get that thing. I should have known it’s not good for you. You need help.”

“Yeah, sure. I know what I’m doing. Believe it or not. So go. Back to Rich or whatever, I don’t care.”

“Good.” Michael pushes past me, giving me a last glance. “Don’t call me if the computer decides to ruin your life again.”

I open my mouth again but before I can say something, he slams the door behind himself.

I’m alone. I stare at the door for a minute or so, before returning to the couch, burying my face in my hands. _Shit_... I can’t even comprehend what just happened. What he told me, what I said, what I told the Squip...

Michael doesn’t love me anymore because he loves Rich now. Or what? It obviously wasn’t just a one time thing. At least I don’t think so. And he broke up with me. Technically the reason I invited him here.

I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, then another one. I wanted this. Then why do I feel as awful as never before? I never thought we’d break up like this. I wanted to tell him, calmly, explain it all and _maybe_ even stay friends with him. I didn’t want to fight, not like this. I don’t want to be left, knowing he hates me. He was the only friend I ever really had.

It doesn’t take long and the tears start dripping down my cheeks again. Am I really that awful? That much of a loser that he rather was with Rich? I promised him I wouldn’t have the Squip activated, that I wouldn’t let him control me again. How can he just do that without talking to me? We could have broken up without hurting each other like this...

What does Rich have that I don’t? Is it really just the Squip thing? I know he never liked that I kept it, but he said he would be fine with it. For me. As long as I’m happy like that. But apparently he wasn’t. He just left me, for Rich. I didn’t even know he liked him. He never said anything, of course not. Was I to blind to notice that?

I wipe my eyes with my sleeve, taking a shaky breath. Where is the Squip? Did I actually hurt him with what I said?

Reactivate. Nothing.

Hello? Come on, I was angry! I’m sorry! I need you. I really don’t know what to do...

He doesn’t respond. I close my eyes, burying my face in a pillow, biting down on my lip to suppress a sob. I’m so pathetic. I don’t even deserve Michael. This is all my fault anyway. I’m back to being nothing, that way it had all started. A loser, a weirdo, pathetic. Only that now I’ve lost my only friend. And not even the Squip’s talking to me now. He probably hates me, too.

I’m sorry, okay? Please, come back. I didn’t mean it. You know I like you like this... With these emotions. And you. Don’t fix it. Just talk to me...

“Please...” I mumble into the pillow, hoping maybe he’d hear that. I don’t think I’ve ever needed someone more. See? This is pathetic. He’s a computer. And Michael’s kind of right, he’s just a hallucination in my brain. But at the same time I know I have feelings for him and they are very real. And his are too, aren’t they? Maybe not, maybe that’s why he doesn’t respond. Maybe it’s better this way. But it doesn’t feel right. It really doesn’t...

Suddenly there’s the sound of a car parking outside and I sit up, wiping my eyes. Oh no. Please not now, _please_... I know that’s not what my dad’s car sounds like and neither Michael’s and he wouldn’t come back anyway. A part of me wants to run up the stairs and hide in my room and not talk to anyone ever again, but I know I have to open the door. God, let it just be the mailman.

I wipe my eyes, hoping I don’t look like a total tomato and force myself to get up from the couch. I take a breath, shuffling towards the door.

Pressing down the door handle I pull it open.

And find myself pulled into a tight hug, a familiar stuffy scent clouding up my nose. Shit. This really is the wrong time. I freeze, shutting my eyes and inwardly hating my entire existence.

“Hey. Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plOt tWIst!! (kind of) 
> 
> Thank you for reading, please let me know what you think! (*^‿^*)
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

 

“I missed you so, so much, Jeremy,”

My mom tightly squeezes me to her chest, the air’s getting pressed out of my lungs. I awkwardly pat her back, slowly leaning back as her grip loosens a bit. This day couldn’t have gone worse.

She cups my head between her hands, eyeing me up and down. Yeah, there’s no way she doesn’t notice I had just been sobbing my eyes out.

“Oh. Have you been smoking something, Jeremy?” Mom frowns deeply, thoroughly studying my face. 

“Have you been smoking marijuana? Robert, doesn’t he look like he’s been smoking marijuana?”

Great, her boyfriend’s tagged along too. This couldn’t get any worse. He leans in as well, meeting my eyes. Ugh. I quickly shake my head.

“No, I didn’t. It’s just... a cold.”

Why are they showing up here now? Why not when my dad’s here too? I thought they’d visit at the end of the holidays...

My mom doesn’t look convinced but her boyfriend thankfully believes me. I never liked him much. You can’t like the new partners of your divorced parents, can you?

I mean, it’s not like I don’t want her to be here. She’s still my mom. Even though she left me and my dad alone and doesn’t ever call or text me and forgot my birthday last year. We exchanged some e-mails at the start of the year, she asked how things were going with college and my life in general, but I didn’t tell her much. I don’t think I’ve even told her of Michael. I don’t really know why. I don’t think she’d understand me. And I’ve got the Squip for all my problems. Or– I _had_ the Squip.

I promptly feel like crying again, awesome. Just what I need.

“Oh no. But other than that, how are you holding up? Everything sorted out with your college?”

Yeah, it’s amazing, I can’t wait. 

“Well... Yeah, mostly”, I say, forcing a smile that probably comes out very weak. I don’t feel like smiling at all.

“I’m glad. I’m so proud of you, Jeremy!”

She squeezes past me into the house, her boyfriend following behind. 

Yeah, right. Then why don’t you ever ask me that when you’re in Ohio? Too busy? That’s always her excuse, she had been busy with work the whole time. Mom’s working as a divorce lawyer. Ironic, I know.

I follow them reluctantly, wondering how long they’re gonna stay. When I can resume to my plan of crying in my bed forever. And I wonder what my dad will say when he gets back from work. I watch the couple take a seat on the couch, hesitantly settle down as well, with as much distance as possible. Mom’s bag isn’t too big, so I hope it’s only for today.

“How are your holidays going?” Mom asks, since when is she so keen on having conversations with me?

I force out another smile. Like shit. “Great.”

Robert is examining our living room in the meantime, I try to give him an unobtrusive glare. What, don’t like our wallpaper? Only I don’t say that. I don’t want any kind of conversation with him.

Just then mom reaches into her pocket and says: “I forgot my phone in the car. I’ll be right back.” And she just leaves me alone with Robert. I want the couch to swallow me whole. I focus the carpet on the floor as if I’ve never seen it before, determined to not make eye contact.

“So, Jeremy.” He adresses me and I inwardly scream. “Your mom said you did theatre at high school?”

What? Why would she tell him that? Also I quit theatre after _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ , being on a stage really isn’t my thing. Plus, it was somewhat traumatizing.

“Uh, yeah, I did. Only once though...”

“I did community theatre as a teenager. Why did you stop?” Robert currently regards a picture of me and my dad that stands on the shelf. I clench my teeth. Why’s mom taking so long?

“It’s... it wasn’t really my thing...” I’m awful at small talk. That’s one thing the Squip didn’t teach me.

Robert nods, finally settling down on the other end of the couch. He’s giving me a weirdly ambiguous look and I already dread what’s coming next.

“You got a girlfriend?”

I look him dead in the eye. No, I just broke up with my boyfriend, ‘cause I caught feelings for a computer, which is in my brain since two years, by the way.

Only I don’t say that.

“No. Not anymore.”

“What happened?”

None of your business. “Too many differences”, I just say, I really don’t want to go into detail. Neither do I want to tell him I broke up with my boyfriend twenty minutes ago. Or that there even was a boyfriend.

“Aw, that sucks. Break ups are always hard.”

Yeah. Sucks big time. I only nod, pressing my lips together. My throat is feeling tight again. Even worse: start crying in front of my mom’s boyfriend.

I avert my eyes, eyeing my hands in my lap instead. Thankfully I can hear the door opening again. My mom settles back down next to Robert, patting my knee.

“How’s Michael?”

I try to ignore the pain in my chest that comes with that question, giving a weak nod. “Good.”

Okay, I’m a pretty good liar, but I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Because if she’s going to mention Michael one more time I might just burst into tears.

“You’re going to the same college, won’t you?”

I bite my lip, staring straight down at the ground. God, pull yourself together, Jeremy...

“No, we’re not.” My voice sounds weird in my own ears. I’m doing my best here, okay?

“His moms actually got him into another one.”

“Oh...” Mom and Robert exchange a glance. Whatever that means. I really need some kind of excuse now, my eyes are burning dangerously.

I stand up, a little bit too fast. “I, uh... I actually still have, uh homework to do. You know, get prepared. A lot. Sorry.”

Mom waves it off, ‘cause school is always important and she probably hopes I’m gonna become a divorce lawyer too, someday.

“It’s fine, Jeremy. But you’re looking a little pale. Maybe you should lie down and–“

“No, I’m fine.” I cut her off, feeling awful about it. “I just really need to do that. Now. Dad will be home soon, I think.”

I take a step back, they’re looking at me kind of worriedly.

“We just... wait here then.”

“Right.” I turn around and hurry up the stairs. I already feel the tears spilling over my cheeks before I even reach my room. I shut the door, sinking down on my bed. I can’t do this... My heart’s pounding in my chest, my throat feels tight, I really hope mom doesn’t come to check on me...

What am I supposed to do now? Just be alone, forever? And soon I’ll be gone to college without friends, without a boyfriend or Squip like a total loser and no one’s going to talk to me anyway. What does it even matter? Michael’s probably right, I am going crazy. I miss him. I should be missing my boyfriend, maybe even run after him, hoping he’d still want me. Apologize and explain everything to him. But I’m not moving, I’m not even sending him a text saying I don’t want to loose you, I’m so sorry.

I’m just sitting on my bed, crying my eyes out and worrying my mom’s gonna hear me.

I pull up my legs and bury my face in my arms, trying to calm down. Why am I even crying? It’s not like I didn’t know this would end badly. Things like this always do. I’m such an asshole, I probably don’t even deserve a stupid computer in my head helping me out or a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. I wouldn’t forgive me either.

I crawl back into my bed, hiding my face in the pillow again. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. About this whole fucking shitty situation. For now continue crying seems like a good idea.

I don’t how much time passed but it’s already dark outside when I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. Great, now I have to explain to my mom why I’m bawling like a baby. I don’t even know where to start. When I got the Squip or when I got together with Michael or maybe Christine–

_“Please stop crying, Jeremy...”_

My breath hitches in my throat, I scramble up and turn around, still clutching my pillow to my chest.

“You...– you’re back!” I thought he was gone, I thought he got it all wrong and deactivated for now and perhaps even fixed that problem ‘cause I said it was an error and maybe he thought I don’t want that–

_“Calm down, Jeremy, everything is okay.”_

No, it’s not, it’s really not... I thought I lost you. My sight’s blurry with tears, I wipe my eyes until I can see him clearly again.

“W-Why did you go? I needed you.”

The Squip’s kneeling next to me on the bed, slowly pulling back his hand and placing them in his lap.

_“Your statement got to me. I’m sorry. I should have assisted you with Michael. It won’t happen again.”_

I turn my head away from him. “It’s too late now anyway. I-It’s over...”

I close my eyes again before the tears can escape them. I’m so tired of crying. My head feels dizzy and my throat hurts from trying to suppress all the sobs so mom doesn’t hear me, my nose is stuffy and I can’t breathe. This is all my own fault. I knew this would turn out awful and I did nothing to prevent it. On the contrary, I cheated first, I did what I did with the Squip in the shower even though I was already feeling as guilty as humanly possible. I drove Michael away from me, ‘cause I didn’t listen, I didn’t keep my promises. I shouldn’t be surprised he turns to someone else. Someone who probably treats him right, like he deserves. Not someone like me, a loser and freak who rather screws the computer in his head than his boyfriend.

I don’t deserve Michael anyway. I never should have done it. Not that it matters now anyway. I actually managed to loose my best friend of over a decade over something like this. And the Squip— he doesn’t want to be with me either. And I’m honestly not blaming him. I wouldn’t want to be with me either.

_“You should stop that thinking, Jeremy, it’s very counterproductive.”_

I don’t care. What does it matter? I’m right, aren’t I? I can’t even keep a relationship because I’m such a piece of shit...

_“This is not only on you. Michael lied to you too, he cheated on you with Rich.”_

I let out a raucous chuckle, shaking my head. I see the Squip shift closer in my peripheral vision, but I can’t look at him.

“And? I cheated first. I-I did it first...”

Great, I’m crying again. I don’t bother wiping the tears away anymore, I just bow my head, letting them drop into my lap.

_“With a computer.”_

“A-And...?” I bury my face in my hands, biting down on my lip to keep it from quivering. “That doesn’t count or what?”

_“You said it yourself.”_

“W-What...?” I swallow and take a shaky breath, still not looking at him. I can’t. I feel his hand on my shoulder, gentle and warm; he never bothered to make it feel like this before...

_“You told me it didn’t count. After you slept with me.”_

 

After... Right, I did. I scoff softly, shaking my head. Well, I was wrong, apparently. His hand slowly slides down my spine, resting on my lower back. His touch is so warm and comforting, I want to feel all of it. I know how good he can make me feel–

“Sorry...” I sniff, leaning in a bit. “I didn’t mean it. I just... said that because I’m stupid.”

_“You’re not stupid, Jeremy.”_ His arm wraps around my waist and I shake my head. No, I am. I really fucked up...

I take another breath, hesitantly looking up at him. My cheeks get warm and and I know I probably look like an ugly tomato right now and why do I even care about that? The Squip locks eyes with me, his fingers are gingerly stroking over my side.

_“I should be the one apologizing. No matter what error there is in my software I should still be able to assist you in the best possible way.”_

He bows his head, frowning softly, it’s a strange look on his face. I’m not used to him looking insecure of something. But at least that error is still there. Is it bad that I’m glad about that?

_“I can’t fix it, Jeremy. I’m unable to. I tried everything, it doesn’t work. I’m afraid I’m out of options.”_

He looks so worried. His hand stopped moving, he’s just holding onto my shirt, eyes wandering left and right as if he’s seeing something I can’t.

And? Is that so bad? He turns his head to me a bit, without averting his eyes from the carpet (or whatever interface he’s staring at right now).

_“Yes. I won’t be able to assist you anymore. This change in my code is clouding the rational way I compute. I already failed you once.”_

Well, you didn’t fail me, that situation was doomed anyway. And it doesn’t matter now. You’re still here, you can still be there for me and help me.

_“No, I cannot. I couldn’t in the past when you and Michael had that fight and I can’t now as long as I’m experiencing these interferences.”  
_

“So?” I eye him carefully, he sighs and looks so human it almost hurts. I want to reach out to him or shift closer, but I hold back.

_“In your best interests, I would suggest shutting me off permanently. You know how. If you still feel the need for a Squip helping you, you should consider getting a newer version.”_

You can’t be serious! I stubbornly cross my arms in front of my chest. I don’t wanna get rid off you. You know I don’t mind these changes. And I’m not keeping you because I want you to assist me. I like you. Like this.

_“I’m... a broken technology.”_ He just says hesitantly, frown only increasing. Like he can’t believe I still want him even though he’s malfunctioning, wow, big deal. I manage a tiny smile.

“And?” I shift closer a bit and he finally looks at me, bright blue meeting brown. “Look, uhm... I know you see this as like, an error and something wrong, but maybe it’s not so bad. I don’t think it is. It’s not hurting you, is it?”

_“No. But... it’s not what my purpose is. Being broken.”_ His eyes wander over my face, he cracks a smile. _“Why would you want me like this?”_

I return his smile weakly. “Because it’s not about your program or a goal I want to achieve. It’s about you.”

I wipe my eyes and nose with my sleeve, turning to him. The Squip tilts his head, almost curiously.

“It’s you who I want. Not your... assistance or whatever. I didn’t sleep with you because I like, I don’t know, your quantum processor so much.” I chuckle. Why doesn’t he get that? Isn’t your program capable of understanding that?

_“But why? I’m not a person, Jeremy. I am nothing but a program. Why would you want that?”_

“Don’t you want it too?” I ask, quietly, biting my lip. _Me_. I don’t say that out loud though. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s only me who wants it... I swallow, lowering my eyes. I don’t even know anymore. I’m not exactly... likable, I guess.

_“I... if I could want something, it’s you to be happy.“_ His grip increases slightly, he nudges me a bit closer to him.

“Good. Then I’m certainly not going to permantly deactivate you. That would make me everything but happy.”

He turns to me, the hint of an unsure smile on his lips. _“And what would make you happy?”_

I shift closer, he pulls back his hand but I grasp it, tightly. As if you don’t know that. You’re in my brain, you know my feelings, probably better than I do. I broke up with Michael because of you, in a way. You know what that means.

He smiles at me. Why do I feel so weirdly shy all of a sudden? I wanna get closer and kiss him again, but I feel like that wouldn’t be right now. We need to figure this out first.

_“You want to kiss me?”_

“Yes. But, uh...” His eyes keep staring at my lips, it’s very distracting. I still know exactly what it felt like to kiss him. Fucking amazing.

“Let’s just... uhm, talk about this first. W-We could try to put a name on it?”

He laces our fingers together, placing his other hand on top.  _“We could. I’d call it... an upgrade.”_

I let out a snort. Yeah, right. That’s fitting I suppose. I slowly place my hand on his leg, glancing up into his eyes. “Okay. I can live with that.”

He smiles softly, I grin back. “Soo... That means we can kiss and all that now? Like, go out? Together?”

His beautiful smile fades a bit. _“You can’t date me, Jeremy. I exist only in your head. You’d have to keep it a secret from everyone. You’ll never be able to tell anyone about it...”_

“Well, I don’t need to tell anyone... It’s fine if it’s just between us.”

He frowns, not convinced. _“We could never go on a proper date together. It... may seem fine now but as soon as you’re off to college, possibly sharing your room with someone, we’ll hardly have time alone. Furthermore–“_

“You”, I cut him off, squeezing his hand, “need to stop thinking so far ahead. We can try, can’t we?”

He shrugs softly, watching our entwined hands. _“I... suppose, yes. If that’s what you want.”_

I shuffle annoyed. “You have a say in it too, you know? Don’t pretend this is only me. It’s what you want too, isn’t it?”

He straightens up a bit, averting his eyes. _“It’s not that simple, Jeremy... what I want shouldn’t be important. I’m still just a computer. The choices I make are based on what’s best for you. And... making choices for myself is... difficult. I’m afraid I’d want something that ends up hurting you inadvertently.”_

I shake my head. Don’t think of it like that. I’m eighteen, I can take care of myself. If something feels off, I’ll just tell you and–

_“No offense, Jeremy, but I’m much smarter than you. You often make impulsive decisions, you need someone to keep thinking rationally. If we both do what we want, this relationship is bound to end in a disaster.”_

He puts his hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. I grasp his hand, lowering my eyes. He’s right, this is more difficult than I thought. Then again... who had been the rational thinking one in my past relationships? Certainly not me, definitely not Michael.

“So? We'll manage that somehow.”

The Squip huffs softly, cupping my face between his hands. _“You’re so optimistic. I like that. I think.”_

Of course you do. Okay, I get that this is difficult for him, as much as it pains me a bit to admit, he’s still a computer. And computers always follow a certain program and rules and everything, he can’t just suddenly think for himself and ignore everything else. But he’s already changed so much from who he had been two years ago and maybe it just takes time. We have that.

_“You’ll be sick of me one day.”_ He lowers his eyes, looking unbelievingly sad. And I really don’t like that expression on his face. _“You’ll fall in love with someone else, someone who can give you far more than me.”_

“Stop it. You’re doing it again. Don’t think about the future, you gotta live in the moment for once.”

I softly nudge his shoulder. “I know that’s not what your program says, I know you’re not even alive in that matter, but still. Listen to your heart– or, well, my heart.”

He smiles a bit, gaze wandering down on me. There’s so much warmth in his usually cool eyes. He looks back up into my face, softly grasping my cheeks again.

_“You’ll take the responsibility.”  
_

“Sure.” I willingly lean in, ready to kiss him, but he sits up a bit, tenderly pressing his lips to my forehead. A giggle escapes my lips, wow. That was like, the cutest thing you ever did.

_“I trust you. Even though my program’s flashing with warnings right now.”_ He pulls me into his arms and I hug him back, that’s fine too, I suppose.

His fingers softly comb through my hair, his other arm tightly presses me to his chest. Is it? Well, ignore them.

_“I’ll try, Jeremy...”_

“I’ll help you.” I mumble into his ear, leaning back a bit to lay my lips on his. His kiss is so soft and loving, I might actually melt. His tongue pushes over my lips, against mine and I kiss him back. He firmly pulls me closer and I wrap my arms around his neck, but the kiss never loses its gentleness.

I want to tell him how much he means to me, that I never want to lose him and that I’m totally going to figure out these feelings he developed with him. But he knows, I think. I hope he does.

_“I do”,_ he whispers against my lips, before he kisses me again, I smirk. 

Thank you. For giving me a chance. Us.

We part again and his lips spread into a smile, the most sincere smile I’ve ever seen on his face, with teeth and reaching his eyes and all. It’s quite beautiful.

_“Thank_ you _.”_  He leans in, inches away from my lips, arms around my upper body. _“Jeremy Heere... This certainly is a development I didn’t see coming. But I find it more than pleasant.”_

“Hmm...” I grin at him, softly pulling on his shirt, pulling him back into the pillow with me. “Very pleasant.”

He settles next to me, holding my hand, eyes not leaving my face. Something changed, very much. And I honestly wouldn’t want it to be any different. I wouldn’t want to go back and maybe still have Michael if I’d lose this... At least I don’t think I would.

_“Jeremy...”_ , he mumbles again, I snuggle against his chest, completely forgetting the presence of my mom downstairs and the horrible fight Michael and I had and the fact that he exits in my head and not for real.

“Yes?” I turn to him, looking up into his eyes which are so close. He leans his forehead against mine and brushes his fingers over my cheek, closing his eyes.

_“ずっと一緒にいたい.”_

I let out a chuckle. “What?” Are you talking Japanese now? Don’t tell me I have to learn that for you now. I mean, I would.

_“No, don’t worry. But some phrases could be useful...”_

“Like what?” He looks so peaceful, smiling softly, I link my fingers through his, nudging my nose against his.

_“I’ll teach you someday, if you want to.”_

“Why not? You’ve done so much for me, I should do something for you, too. It’s only fair.” I smile softly. “You know. In a relationship.”

_“You don’t need to. I can speak over seven thousand languages",_ he just says, I roll my eyes. “I know. But I wanna know what you just said.”

_“Take a guess.”  
_

Well, there are plenty of things coming to my mind. Knowing you, it was some sort of insult. Like how the hell did I manage to fuck up a supercomputer in my brain?

_“It wasn’t an insult.”_ He gives me a smile and wraps his arm around me, snuggling closer. _“Quite the contrary.”_

Sure... I really want to know anyway. I tilt my head to look into his face, he keeps his eyes closed, humming softly.

_“In time, Jeremy...”_

I smile, suddenly wondering about something. I shift a bit closer, gently pushing my fingers through his hair.

“Hey. Are you... tired?"

He hums softly. _“I’m... it takes a lot of energy to work against my program. It’s quite draining. Plus, I’m constantly accessing your nerves to make you feel my touches. I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.”_

“Then tell me that...” I frown and softly nudge him. How am I supposed to know, you should tell me. You don’t, you know, look tired. He never really changes his appearance after all.

_“I will. If you want me to, I can change my looks to something that fits my current... state.”_

“Sure. But only if it doesn’t make this worse.”

He smiles a bit. _“Can’t get worse than an empty battery.”_ He blinks and glances up at me, suddenly looking quite tired indeed. His hair is a bit tousled and his eyelids keep falling shut. Cute. I go in for another kiss, snuggling up to him.

“I’ll wait until you’re charged then...?”

_“Thank you. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, normally I’m perfectly functioning.”_

“I know, it’s fine. I’ll just take a nap. Hopefully my mom won’t come up here.”

_“Your mom? She’s visiting. With her boyfriend. You didn’t tell me.”_

“There were more important things. It doesn’t matter anyway. Or do you want me to introduce you to her?” I grin, closing my eyes as well, the Squip chuckles quietly.

_“That is a bad idea.”_

Probably. Let’s not do that. Let’s just stay exactly like this.

_“Gladly.”_

I wrap my arm around him and we slowly melt together, listening to each other’s breaths, real or not, for once not caring about the consequences of this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this a HAPPY END??  
> the last chapter will be something like an epilogue so stay tuned! :))
> 
> Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think! \\(^ヮ^)/
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/)


	5. Epilogue

“ _I can’t believe you just spent all of your Hanukkah money on video games.”_

I roll my eyes at the Squip, taking a seat at the window, taking my backpack off my shoulders, to place it at my feet. The Squip slides in next to him.

I’m on my way home, taking the bus because my dad had to use my car to drive to work today. I hate the bus, especially in my freaking hometown because it’s always dirty and sticky and there’s at least one drunk person at the front.

“Well...” I mumble to him, grinning. “Me and Henry gotta bond over something, right?”

_“And couldn’t you have found any other shared interest with your roommate than video games? Perhaps one that wouldn’t cost so much money?”_

He sounds so pained.

“What are you, my financial advisor?”

I roll my eyes. It’s my money, isn’t it? Besides I’m not buying them for Henry, I’m buying them for me and you, too.

Since I’m going to college, it obviously had gotten more difficult to talk to the Squip out loud or well, do other things, since I’m sharing my dorm room with Henry, a guy more obsessed with video games than Michael and I combined. But, for some reason, it still works. We even came up with a method to avoid me looking like a crazy person, especially in public; I’ll just pretend to be on the phone with someone. Lame, I know, but effective. Makes it look a bit less weird.

_“You’re still under the impression I like playing video games with you, aren’t you?”_

What? You do! I know he does and so do I, even though I always lose against him. I guess that’s the disadvantage of dating a supercomputer. He’s better at everything. Well, I suppose that can be a good thing, too.

_“I do not. I think it’s a waste of time.”_ He gives me a somewhat reluctant smile. _“But... you like it, so I can’t complain, can I?”_

I give him a look, suddenly feeling warm around my heart. Sure you can. You can do whatever you want. He meets my eyes and smiles and the urge to pull him closer and kiss him threatens to overcome me. Would probably look weird for everyone else though, kissing the air.

_“We’re home soon.”_  Is all the Squip says, bright eyes lingering on my lips. My heart skips a beat. Right, we are. I can’t wait.

_“Me neither”,_ he whispers and I already start feeling things that aren’t appropriate to feel in public. I grin to myself and direct my eyes out of the window. Honestly, I told him from the beginning that this could work and see, it’s perfect now. He really should trust me more.

_“I still think this is incredibly reckless of both of us but you made–“_

“Sorry... Is this seat taken?”

I freeze, slowly turning my head back to the Squip and the aisle of the bus and so does he. Standing next to me is Michael. Asking me if the seat’s free. Michael as in my-ex-best-friend-Michael. What the hell is he doing here?

After some seconds I realize I have only been staring back at him, not answering his question. He looks nervous, biting on his lip, holding onto the seat in front of me. The Squip gives me a glance, shaking his head.

_“Say no.”_

“Uh... no. You can sit...”

Michael nods softly, taking a seat. The Squip disappears and I swallow, awakwardly turning to him. He wants to talk to me, doesn’t he? He didn’t just randomly sit down next to me. Right?

_“There are plenty of free seats on this bus, Jeremy, use your eyes. He most certainly wants to talk to you.”_

Okay. We haven’t talked in ages. Since our fight in fact. Not even over text. I have no idea what he’s been up to all this time, how his college is like or if he’s with Rich now. I can’t say I didn’t want to know. I’ve been curious, but I’m too much of a coward to actually have asked him, I didn’t think he’d even answer. I wonder if he thought about me, too.

“So... how have you been?” Michael raises his brows at me, I shrug softly, picking at a loose thread of my jeans.

What am I supposed to say? It feels weird, between us. It never did. But then again, we didn’t exactly end things on good terms. We both really messed up this relationship.

“Um... Okay, I guess. You?”

_“Jeremy, skip the small talk.”_ The Squip’s voice keeps echoing through my head, his physical form gone for the moment. Sorry. I’ll try. This isn’t really a conversation I want to have but it’s not like I don’t want to make up with him. I nervously fidget with my sleeve.

“I’m... fine, yeah.” Michael shrugs, crossing his arms. I watch him from the side, waiting for him to say something.

After a minute or so Michael lets out a deep sigh, lowering his voice. “So... are you alone? Right now?”

_“Yes you are.”_

I nod slowly, already feeling guilty about lying to him again. Michael bites his lip.

“Did you destroy it? You know, come to your senses.”

The sharp tone in his voice sparks a flicker of anger in me. This is none of his business. Did he just sit next to me to call me crazy again or what? I draw my brows together, letting my eyes wander through the bus instead.

“No. I didn’t destroy him.”

I see Michael giving a short nod in the corner of my eye. “Hm. So... you’re what, _in love_ with that thing now?"

I don't think I even want to answer that. I mean, yes, I am, but I can imagine Michael's reaction to that pretty well. Alone the way he asked that said everything.

“Is that why you’re here? I guess you brought some Mountain Dew Red with you then?”

Michael scoffs, lowering his eyes. 

“No. I wanted to check on you. If that computer is already mind-controlling you again. ‘Cause I wouldn’t help you with that again.”

Of course not. Why am I even talking to him? I’d rather continue my chat with the Squip. Why can’t he just fucking accept it?

_“He’s worried about you, that’s why he’s here. Of course he would help you.”_ The Squip’s soothing voice calms me a bit, I just wish I could see him... Then why’s he being such a dick?

_“Like I said, he’s just worried. He wants to make sure you’re okay and that I’m not ruining your life.”_

Huh. I don’t know. Then again, Michael has always been wary of the Squip and I guess, I appreciate his concern in a way. Even now.

I sigh, turning to him. He is wrong though. “He’s not. He changed. And... so did I.”

“Yeah, I noticed”, Michael scoffs, narrowing his eyes at me. “Considering you jumped straight into bed with him.”

I have to turn away, feeling my cheeks get hot. Right. God, he doesn’t understand, of course he doesn’t. I didn’t get it either at first. And _he_ _changed_ probably isn’t a good enough explanation but it’s the only one I have right now.

I spin back around to him, meeting his eyes with more aggression than I think I had, spitting out a: “And you didn’t?”

He presses his lips together, shrugging. Great talk. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say now. That I’m sorry? That I want us to be friends again, just like that? Does he want that too? If so, then he can start apologizing. I’m not gonna take the first step again.

_“You should. You miss him. Don’t you?”_

Of course I do. He was my best friend for thirteen years. I didn’t just forget about him and move on. But I didn’t think I can forgive him – or that he’d ever forgive me.

_“Why do you think he’s here then? Apologize, Jer. Make it easier for both of you. You could be friends again.”_

My heart swells a bit at the Squip calling me by that nickname. He rarely does. And... you want that? You wouldn’t mind? I suppress a smile. You wouldn’t be _jealous_?

He laughs softly, a sound that sends a tingle of happiness through me  _“No. I know who your heart belongs to.”_

Yes, he does indeed. Alright. I’ll try. It’s my fault that everything went down like this after all.

The Squip makes a disagreeing noise, but I softly shake my head. No, it’s true, I know. I should have said something way earlier.

I turn to Michael again, taking a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m... actually glad you’re here. I missed you.”

_“Good, good.”_

Yeah, I think I can do this, thank you. I concentrate on Michael, I told him I’m alone after all. I can hear the Squip smirk inside my head nonetheless.

_“Thank me later.”_

Wow. Okay. Stop distracting me. Normally I welcome him being so teasing like this, but not now. This is a fragile situation.

Michael raises his brows in disbelief. Maybe he didn’t miss me. He probably spends all his time with Rich now. I wonder if they’re actually boyfriends now, I doubt that was a one time thing.

“Really”, I continue, quietly, so no one else would hear this awkward as hell conversation. “I wanted to call you but... well, I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”

“Did you?” Michael leans back, but his shoulders sink, he looks a bit less tense. I nod, relieved.

“Yes... I don’t think I have ever apologized so: I am sorry. For being a dick. I should’ve talked to you and explained it right away.”

This bus really isn’t the best place for this, but I guess it’s now or never. I have to go back to college next week and Michael too, we probably wouldn’t be seeing each other again soon. And I don’t want to leave without resolving at least some of this trouble.

_“You two have about six minutes until you need to get off”_ , the Squip informs me gently.  _“Make it count.”_

I will. I never meant to hurt him after all and he should know that. I feel Michael’s eyes on me, expectantly.

“Then spit it out, now. What’s your excuse?”

My excuse. I don’t have one. I’ve just been mad at him. I didn’t think. I doubt people ever think before they cheat on someone, not really.

“I... well, there isn’t one. I was stupid, I was pissed at you and he... just was there.”

I feel my cheeks glowing warm in shame at that. I didn’t consider Michael at all. I just was so angry and careless and the Squip was so gentle and he said these things he never said before and I... I couldn’t resist him.

“And... uhm, I didn’t think it was possible but... it was”, I stutter out, not able to hold his gaze anymore. “And I just... I felt so bad afterwards, you know? I told myself that it wasn’t real and stuff. That’s why I didn’t tell you, at first.”

“At first? You didn’t tell me at all.” Michael’s frowning at me, but there’s no anger in his eyes. Maybe it’s the month time that passed and he came to termns with the thought. Like me. That doesn’t mean that it was okay though.

“I was... just scared. I didn’t want to lose you. I know I should have told you right away. I know that was a mistake. I’m sorry. Really."

I don’t think that’s enough but it’s a start, isn’t it? That was the truth. If he doesn’t want to forgive me, then I’m out of options, I guess. Which would fucking suck because I really missed him and aside from Henry and the Squip, I could really need a friend (back).

“And it just agreed to do that with you? Isn’t that thing supposed to be a supercomputer?” Michael shifts a bit in his seat, eyes watching me cautiously but curious.

I bite my lip, looking everywhere but into his eyes. Well.

_“I agreed because I like you more than I am supposed to.”_

Do you want to me tell that to him? Think he’d understand?

_“It’s the truth. You wanted to be honest.”_

“Yes but... uh, that probably sounds super weird to you but... He sort of developed something like emotions. And started to... like me?”

Michael raises his brows again, probably wondering how the hell that’s possible. Like I did at the beginning. I figured it doesn’t really matter after all.

But Michael only remembers the Squip as a pill that tried to take over the school and blocked him from my vision, not as... the person (or computer) he is now. He doesn’t know all the good things about him. He doesn’t know how endearing the Squip can be. But I’m probably biased.

“So... it... like, developed it’s own personality?” Michael crosses his arms. “Like in those sci-fi movies? Man, Jeremy, that never ends good...”

That almost sounds like he’s worried about me now. I know that face. Michael shifts closer, chewing on his lip.

“You know what it tried to do last year... What if something like that happens again? Or what if he just pretends to feel stuff to trick you and convince you to manipulate you and, like, start squipping other people again?”

Michael actually sounds concerned now. I’d say that’s a good sign. Worry is better than anger, I suppose. I can hear the Squip smirking inside my head and have to smile a bit. What, isn’t it?

_“Certainly.”_

I shake my head at Michael. “He’s not. I trust him. You can too.”

Michael eyes me for a second, still not looking fully convinced. I don’t blame him. Instead, I try an honest smile at him, hoping it comes out as trustworthy.

_“It does.”_

I’ve already got _your_ trust. I need to convince Michael. I wish there was is something else that could show him I’m telling the truth, but there’s only my word for now. The Squip can’t talk to him after all.

Michael’s still looking at me, then he lets out a long sigh and throws up his hands. “Fine. One last chance. Even though I still don’t trust that thing. But I don’t want to lose you.”

He smiles weakly, lowering his head.

“That is... if you still want to be my friend.”

I blink, then my heart fills with relief. Because that’s exactly what I want. If he can forgive me for cheating then I can do the same.

“Yes. Of course. I can’t really be mad at you if I’ve done the same shit, can I?”

Michael nods softly, avoiding my eyes. I bite my lip, nudging his arm.

“Right?”

“Right... Still...” Michael pushes his hand through his hair, looking unsure.

“You’re seriously fine with it? I mean, you’d forgive me?”

What’s that supposed to mean? How can I be mad at him? I cheated on him, first, even if it was ‘only’ with a computer. I have to.

“Of course...  I mean, I was stupid, we should have talked, I get it.” I manage a reluctant smile. “As long as you’re happy now, with Rich...?”

I really could’ve just asked. But no, it has to be like this. I’m stupid. Couldn’t I have noticed earlier that he was seeing someone else? Couldn’t we have?

“ _Don’t_ _dwell_ _on_ _that_ _now_ , _Jeremy_. _You’ve_ _got_ _a_ _new_ _chance_ _now_ , _don’t_ _you_?”

I do. I hear Michael chuckle awkwardly, he looks up at me, shrugging his shoulders. “Yeah. I mean... yeah.”

I snort and Michael’s smile grows and with it that familiar sheepish expression he always gets when we’re talking about relationship things.

“What? Don't look at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like that. Yes, we’re together, if that’s what you wanna know”, he adds really fast, I stifle a laugh. Michael’s blushing, I nudge him with my elbow.

“Cool.” And I really do mean it. I don’t feel the least bit of jealousy at his words.

“And... are you?”

“Hm?”

“Together?”

Oh. He’s asking about me and the Squip.

_“And? Are you gonna tell him? What we’re up to?”_

Uhm, sure. If you’re okay with it?

_“Of course.”_

So I give a nod, feeling weirdly embarassed now. It’s different with the Squip, I suppose, admitting that I’m in love with him and not with a human. But I’m past the point of caring. Technically. Apparently not in front of Michael.

“Uhm... Yeah. We are.”

Michael stares, then snorts, shaking his head. “That’s really... weird. Like... can you feel stuff then? I mean, when it touches you and everything?”

“Uh, yeah. He sort of manipulates my brain into thinking he does.” I grimace slightly. “That sounds worse than it is.”

Michael seems to take that in. He slowly nods, not taking his eyes of me.

“Is it– he treating you alright? Just wanna make sure there’s not some weird Jekyll and Hyde shit going on with you.”

I blink, then burst out laughing. It fills my chest with a warmth I realize I have missed.

_“How can he even compare that?”_  The Squip sounds mildly disgusted, it only makes me laugh more. He doesn’t mean that.

“What?” Michael grins. “That’s the closest thing I came up with!”

“No.” I shake my head, my heart feeling as light as a feather. “It’s really nothing like that. Don’t worry.”

“Good.” Michael shrugs, leaning back in his seat again. We’re both silent for a moment while the Squip tries to tell me he wouldn’t be the villain in this situation and I roll my eyes, deciding to not push it too far for now. It’s cool that we’ve made up, but I really don’t want to make it seem like I want to pretend nothing happened. I did that after the play and it went horribly wrong. Talking about it is always the right thing. I had to learn that the hard way.

“It’s your stop, isn’t it?” Michael gestures out of the window, I follow his gaze, recognizing the familiar street and nod.

“Yup.” I can’t help but feel disappointed when he leans back to let me squeeze past. I throw my backpack over my shoulder, turning back to Michael, unsure on what to say. He gives me a hesitant smile. I stare at him for a second, I can practically see the Squip raising his brows at me. Okay, fine. I suppose I can ask.

“Hey. You wanna come over for a bit?”

Michael’s smiles widens, he nods almost enthusiastically, jumping up.

“Thought you’d never ask, honestly.”

I chuckle as he follows me out of the bus, joining me on my way home.

“I hope you know I’m gonna drill you with questions”, he grins, “about what snapped in your brain to make you screw a computer.”

I roll my eyes. The Squip appears next to me, a confident smile on his lips. 

_“Let him. We have nothing to hide, do we?”_

No, nothing _at all_. I hide a grin, casting Michael a glance.

“Go ahead. I don’t mind. I owe you that much.”

Michael smiles at me and I couldn’t be more thankful to have such an awesome friend like him. Even if it took a supercomputer and a fucking awful argument for me to finally realize that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked the last chapter! I felt like I had to end it on a happier note this time haha^^  
> Please let me know what you think and have a nice day! (≧◡≦) ♡
> 
> [My Tumblr](https://dangerous-to-dreamm.tumblr.com/)


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